I Love You, Asuka
by Yih
Summary: Shinji x Asuka [COMPLETED] Shinji confesses to Asuka that he loves her, but is his love enough to break down the shield around Asuka? And why do horrifying dreams keep surfacing?
1. Prologue

DISCLAIMER: All characters are the property of Gainax Inc. I'm just borrowing   
them for my second fanfic (the first one is in the middle stages, I'm just rushing   
through with the second one). So watch out for the real first fic!  
  
Prologue (by YIH)  
  
A small figure appeared in the doorway of a master bedroom. A distinctive smell   
met the little girl's nose as she wiggled it with distaste. She automatically went to   
the light switch. She started to jump up and down, and wondered briefly if she   
should get her stool to reach it. She glanced determinedly at the switch and   
gave a tremendous jump and managed to turn it on. A big grin was plastered on   
her face. She turned around and she suddenly knew what the smell that she   
didn't like was.  
  
It was the smell of decaying human flesh. It was death.  
  
She screamed and screamed when she realized it was her mother hanging from   
the ceiling. Her mother's body was hanging limp as a small trickle of blood   
trailed down the side of her mouth down to her neck. Tears poured down her   
face as she sobbed uncontrollably.   
  
She heard her mother's voice, "Asuka, let's die together. Asuka, please don't let   
me die alone. I need you. I love you."  
  
She had let her mother down. She had let her mother die alone. She had failed   
the only one who loved her. She had failed her mother.  
  
She crept into a corner in the wall and huddle close to it as she remembered the   
begging in her mother's voice. It was too late. Her blue eyes closed as the   
enormity of the situation passed into her mind.   
  
She would never again hear her mother laugh. She would never again see her   
mother smile. She would never again spent time with her mother. She would   
never again hear her mother tell her, "I love you, Asuka."  
  
She kept hearing her mother's voice saying, "I loved you, Asuka. Why did you let   
me die alone? I needed you, Asuka. Why did you let me die alone?"  
  
The pain that assaulted her mind overwhelmed her as she blacked out into the   
deceivingly, comforting oblivion. For a few seconds she didn't hear the voices.   
For a few seconds the memory of what happened left her. When she fell into a   
deep sleep she dreamt of her mother and of the events and it all haunted her   
again and again.   



	2. Revelations

DISCLAIMER: All characters are the property of Gainax Inc. I'm just borrowing   
them for my second fanfic (the first one is in the middle stages, I'm just rushing   
through with the second one). So watch out for the real first fic!  
  
Part 1: Relevations (by YIH)  
  
A solitary tear trailed down the left side of her face. It shocked Shinji to see it.   
He had never before seen so much vulnerability or so much sadness on Asuka's   
exquisite face. It took a long time coming, but he admitted it now. He liked   
Asuka. He thought she was extremely beautiful.   
  
Too beautiful for me, he accepted mournfully.   
  
He glanced at the clock in the middle of the room. The minute hand reached 12.   
It was officially 10 p.m. It was rather late for him to be out on a school night. But   
he still didn't feel compelled to leave. It seemed as something inside of him was   
guiding him to stay. To watch for something?  
  
"What?" He voiced out loud in thoughtful contemplation.  
  
His words came out a moment too soon as the heart monitor broke into his lazy   
mind. The line had been zig zagging across it at a slow and steady pace. It   
suddenly dropped off into a single line. The line of death. Shinji's heart stopped   
in that instance. Words pounded his head as he screamed for the nurses and   
the doctors. For anyone to come and help.   
  
It seemed like an eternity before anyone came. In reality it was only 30 seconds   
before a bombardment of doctors and nurses swept into the room with their   
serious mindsets. His blue eyes were wide, and he was in shock as he stared at   
the heart monitor. A sympathetic nurse laid a hand on his shoulder and began to   
guide him out of the room.   
  
It took Shinji a few moments to realize they were kicking him outside of Asuka's   
room. He fought it. He wanted to stay. He had to see if she'd be okay. He   
glanced at the nurse and with a forcefulness he had never shown before he   
uttered the word, "No."  
  
The nurse didn't understand, "No?"  
  
"No, I'm not leaving," Shinji lucidly stated.   
  
The nurse sweatdropped. Her mind was whirling. This was breaching hospital   
standard rules to allow him to remain inside the room. She decided she too   
would have to be firm, "You must go. It will only harm the young lady if you stay."  
  
The logic of the words penetrated into Shinji's brain and he slowly digested it. He   
murmured, "Ok," so softly the nurse almost didn't hear. The next minute he was   
gone. It was almost as if he hadn't been there. But he had been. It was   
obvious. A small teddy bear laid forgotten on a side table, a small gift that he   
had been tempted to buy and had bought for Asuka.   
  
Misato found him an hour later sitting outside of Asuka's room. The doctors and   
nurses were still busy in her room. For all he knew, she could be dead. It was   
that profound deliberation that caused his blank look. The same phrase circled   
his head, "She might be dead… She might be dead… She might be dead…"  
  
Maya had informed Misato of Asuka's condition and Misato had rushed over.   
She had already spoken to one of the nurse's and Asuka was in critical condition.   
She was slipping into deep shock and once she got into that state, it was only a   
matter of time before the inevitable happened. Currently, the doctors were   
working on a way to safely move her to the I.C.U. without further increasing the   
trauma. She saw Shinji and she knew he knew that Asuka was knocking down   
on death's door.   
  
"Shinji," Misato whispered. He didn't respond. "Shinji!" Misato snapped.  
  
Shinji looked up. It looked like he had grown up instantly. If anything he had   
learned not to run anymore. He was facing his problems. The expression on his   
face was still haunting. It was so devoid of emotion.   
  
"Misato." It wasn't a greeting. It was a statement.  
  
"Shinji, let's go home."  
  
He didn't say anything. He stood up like an old man and walked down the   
hallway to the parking lot where Misato normally parked her car. All Misato could   
do was follow him. Too many things coming into her mind for her to think   
straight. One clear thought did break through. Shinji wasn't acting like the Shinji   
she knew.   
  
During the whole car ride back, Shinji withdrew into himself. Whatever topic she   
tried to approach was soundly dismissed with the silence. At least, she   
considered, that is somewhat like him.   
  
However, she didn't know what Shinji was thinking was unlike him. A strange   
expression passed over his face. It read of regret. He was regretting that he had   
never been more bold or audacious around Asuka. She would have appreciated   
that. She would have been pissed. But she would have been admiring of me or   
at least respectful, he sighed inside. She might never wake up from her coma.   
She might even be dead right now. Misato would know. She won't tell me. She   
knows I care for Asuka. Or else she wouldn't have tried to distract me from the   
fact that… She might be dead. She might be dead. She might be dead. And I   
never got to tell her… I love her. I love her. I admit it. I don't only like her. I   
don't only think she's beautiful. I love her. Only her. For always.   
  
It was nearly midnight when they arrived at Misato's apartment. He didn't say   
anything to her as he went into his room. He sat on his bed and let his memories   
of Asuka override the pain and uncertainty he was feeling. He reminisced every   
slap, every remark, every insult, every glare, every shout, every hit, and the one   
kiss. It was with the memory of that kiss that he fell asleep.   



	3. Reawakenings

Author's Note: I wrote this a long time ago, but I could never find any place that would let me post this. I haven't worked on this fic forever, so I really need some momentum from you guys to get me back to writing it. I already have the storyline all written out, but this is the longest part and its only going to get longer, I don't wanna write a poorly done story, so let me know if you want more.   
  
Thanks! ^_^  
  
DISCLAIMER: All characters are the property of Gainax Inc.   
  
Part 2: Reawakenings (by YIH)  
  
The sun rays hurt his eyes. What am I doing here? Last thing I knew was Asuka   
was dying. Dying. The knowledge pained his heart. Why? Why did it have to   
be her?   
  
"WHY?" He screamed.  
  
A cheerful Asuka tapped him on the shoulder, "Are you okay, Shinji?"  
  
A very surprise and wide-eyed Shinji peered at her. "You're suppose to be   
dead."   
  
Asuka was smiling, unlike her, but what she said was her all over, it comforted   
him. "Me, dead? Hahahaha. The great Sohryu Asuka Langley is invincible!   
You'd better know that, baka."  
  
"You're dead. You're dying..." he kept saying. He kept repeating those words   
over and over again. He wasn't loosing his mind. She was in the hospital. Or   
that was all just one bad dream. One horrible nightmare.  
  
She began to shake him as tears poured down his face. She shook him so hard   
that it jolted him into a joyous statement.  
  
"You're not DEAD!"   
  
A very perplexed Asuka stared warily at the boy sitting ramrod straight in the bed.   
She muttered, "Whatever you're dreaming of must have been very interesting. I   
didn't know anyone was not dead..."  
  
It was just a dream. It was just a dream. Asuka's alive. She's well. She's   
standing in front of me... so alive and vibrant. So beautiful. He let his eyes run   
over Asuka's body and was promptly slapped.   
  
"Pervert," she murmured.  
  
He smiled brilliantly, it took Asuka's breath away. Shinji was a really handsome   
guy. Probably the best looking guy in her class, easily. Well Touji wasn't that   
bad looking, he just was annoyingly more perverted than Shinji. The wimp,   
Shinji.   
  
He drawled out lazily, "Whatever you say, Asuka-chan. Whatever you say."  
  
She did a double take on him. His voice was mocking her. He was mocking her!   
Her, the great and invincible Sohryu Asuka Langley. She broke off laughing.   
Whatever he had been dreaming of... He certainly woke up in a lively mood. It'll   
be interesting to see what he does today.   
  
Meanwhile as Asuka was thinking of this, Shinji absorbed her beauty. His   
conscious was nagging him. The dreams. No, the nightmares, he thought had   
seemed too real for comfort. And I want to kiss her. Really kiss her.  
  
Asuka was occupied and she never saw Shinji moving closer to her. She felt his   
arms wrap around her waist just before his lips met hers. All she could do was   
enjoy the feeling. Her eyes closed as she met him eagerly. Shinji relaxed as he felt her response. He deepened the kiss as he guided her to a lying position on his bed. Soon he was on top of her...   
  
It didn't get any further than that. Misato picked a poor time to barge in on those two. Her mouth dropped open with astonishment. A second later she barked, "WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?"  
  
It killed the romantic moment as Shinji lifted his head up. "Misato?"   
  
Misato's mouth was still open and her voice was tinged with sarcasm, "Now what   
are the two lovebirds doing?"  
  
Shinji blushed beet red, but he didn't stammer when he answered, "I was kissing   
Asuka-chan."  
  
If possible, Misato's mouth dropped more. It was hanging toward the floor.   
Asuka was as red as her hair and she tried to sneak out of the room, but was   
caught by Misato, "Where exactly do you think you're going?"  
  
Asuka stumbled over her words, "Uh, bathroom?"  
  
Misato rolled her eyes as Asuka hurried to the bathroom and closed it with a   
resounding thump. When she was done exacerbating, she focused her eyes on   
Shinji, "What's wrong, Shinji?"  
  
"Wrong?" He looked at Misato, carefully.  
  
"You just don't kiss Asuka for no reason. Unless you're the bravest man in the   
world," Misato allowed with hard thinking.  
  
Shinji grinned, "I wanted to kiss her."  
  
Misato gaped, then recovered, "I don't know... For the past few days you've been   
acting really strangely. You keep crying when you wake up and calling Asuka's   
name. So what's wrong?"  
  
So they really were just nightmares. But they seemed really real. They had   
to be nightmares. This feels just as real as what I've felt before. And that kiss with Asuka...  
  
Shinji's thoughts were interrupted when Misato said loudly, "Earth to Shinji!"  
  
"Sorry Misato," Shinji murmured, "I've just been having really strange dreams."  
  
"Tell me about it," Misato snorted, but accepted that answer as she walked out of the room.   
  
Shinji sighed, Everything seems so real. Am I going crazy? No, I'm not insane.   
Well, maybe I am. Only a lunatic would kiss Asuka. But still it was a very nice kiss. Extremely nice. Crap. He glanced at the clock, School starts in an hour. And I definitely don't want Misato making breakfast. That would be a bad start to the day. No offense, Misato, he amended silently.   



	4. She Isn't What Meets the Eye

Author's Note: I'm so excited. I might actually have Part 4 + 5 out before the   
weekend's over. OMG. I feel so inspired, the reviews are great. Thanks! Keep   
writing reviews, I need them so much. You don't know how much I need to hear   
how to make myself write better or if I'm writing ok.   
  
Ok, about this Part, it's rather weak compared to the first 2. I hope this isn't the   
path the other's will take. But I sort of need a build up. Part 4 shouldn't be that   
bad. If I don't have Part 5 out by Sunday night, that means Part 4 or 5 is going to   
be very very long. Part 4 is currently a page long. Not bad, since I'm nowhere   
near the end of it, just the beginning stages. Yeah! =) ^_^ *does a backflip*  
  
DISCLAIMER: I'm merely borrowing the characters. All rights belong exclusively   
to Gainax, Inc.   
  
Part 3: She Isn't What Meets The Eye  
  
He watched with appreciating eyes as Asuka dragged him, as always to school.   
She glared at him indignantly, "I really don't know what you'd do without me,   
baka."  
  
"I don't know either, Asuka-chan."  
  
A tingle went down Asuka's spine. She did a double take on him and he smiled   
confidently. He was the least bit intimidated by Asuka. It made her feel funny,   
she didn't know what else to do. She smiled back, and thought with alarm, I   
have no idea why I'm smiling. I'm happy. He makes me happy.   
  
He was pushing out the words he wanted to say to Asuka. That he needed to   
say to her if that nightmare would ever come true. The smile was all the   
encouragement he needed to sweep his hesitation aside. He pulled her close to   
him and hugged her really tight and lovingly. He buried his head into her hair   
and whispered into her ear, "I love you, Asuka."  
  
Asuka jerked from his arms. Her eyes were wide and uncomprehending. She   
didn't understand what his words meant. She couldn't digest it. It was a total,   
unnerving shock. Did he really mean that?  
  
Shinji was hurt. He caught the confusion in her eyes, I made a mistake. I   
thought the smile was a welcoming. It was foolish of me. I'm such a baka. I   
can't even confess my love for her in a believable manner. I just hope she won't   
throw it back into my face. I couldn't take that.  
  
Her feelings and his words came crashing down all at one moment. Her mind   
was whirling, can he really mean it? Can he really love me? I know he makes   
me happy. Really happy. More happy than I've ever been before in a long while.   
But it's only today. Why is he so different? Did it have something to do with the   
nightmares? What…  
  
Her thoughts and his misery was interrupted as the bell rang. They were both   
late for class. And that was not a good thing for them. It left them to think and   
ponder over Shinji's incredible words. Something Shinji definitely didn't need to   
do, as he was already having second thoughts. And Asuka needed to confront   
him on what he said. It was going to be a very long day.   
  
I must be the biggest, shitty baka in the whole, entire world! How could I be   
dumb enough to tell Asuka that I loved her? I think her heart might have stopped   
right there, He wanted to pound his too cute face into his desk. But that would   
have brought unnecessary attention directed his way. His best friends, Touji and   
Kensuke were giving him funny looks. I don't need this. Not only do I KNOW   
something is wrong THEY KNOW something is wrong. Will this nightmare ever   
end? His hormones took on a positive light in his misery by reminding him, The   
kiss was nice. The kiss was very nice. His face turned very red with   
embarassment as he intimately remembered every last tingling moment. He   
could almost feel her lips on …  
  
"Ikari Shinji. IKARI SHINJI!" said the sensei loudly again.   
  
Shinji glanced up shocked, "Yes?!"  
  
The sensei gave an exasperated sigh before repeating himself, "Since you seem   
to be paying such fabulous attention in class, would you like to give me the   
answer to my question, now?"  
  
"Uh?" Shinji's confused face could only muttered that unintelligibly. All Shinji   
wanted to do was to reminisce every scintillating detail of that incredible kiss. He   
really must be a pervert, Asuka kisses very well. His mind was swimming as he   
considered his ill-timed confession, I shouldn't have told her. Not yet. But I   
meant every word. And I'll show…  
  
As Shinji was trying to convince himself that what he said wasn't totally   
outrageous, the sensei raised his voice a pitch louder, almost to a squeaky level,   
"IKARI!"  
  
Shinji jerked his head up and warily looked at the very ticked sensei, "Uh!?"  
  
"Would you like me… TO REPEAT THE QUESTION?" the sensei rushed out   
with impatience.  
  
"That would be helpful…" Shinji bit back a smile of amusement.   
  
He didn't even have to control his mouth when the sensei grinned with cruel   
delight, "It would be my pleasure. I asked, 'What is the standard deviation of   
problem 10 in your homework last night'? I assumed you have the assignment   
completed, it would be helpful when you answer it and when you stay after   
school for detention. You'll be cleaning the classroom."  
  
Shinji had to hold his neck extremely stiff and his mouth tightly close. He was   
dreadfully afraid that his face would fall flat on the face and his mouth would let   
out a curse. So much for my plan to show Asuka how I truly feel, as he nearly   
face faulted at the sensei's words. How will I explain this to Misato?  



	5. Confrontation

Author's Note: It's 3 whole pages of rants and raves. Enjoy!  
  
I still need the reviews, so please REVIEW, it won't take but a second and it's   
really helpful for me to keep writing. See how fast I got part 3 and part 4 out? I   
wrote those this WEEKEND. And I'm currently working on part 5, maybe it will   
be out before I go into dead week (school).   
  
Note to the Reviewers:  
Thanks to Catch 22, you've been a BIG help/always helpful when someone tells   
me how I'm writing (your review for Rightwords + Asukalove). For the rest of the   
Reviewers: TommyRude (thanks, I needed that), Kitty L'hiver (I'm a hopeless   
romantic too), Skull_Leader (no spoilers, sorry, keep guessing), Kyo Tetsuei (is   
this a darkfic/romance? *clueless*), Anime Xianghua Rei (sorry, Asuka is 4eva),   
purplecow (I get the pt., I'm hurrying), ironmaiden (Shinji's cute *remember this is   
Asuka?*, Touya/Tamahome from CCS/FY are good-looking no? Too bad one's   
bi/and both are taken!)  
*****BIG HUG TO ALL READERS, DOUBLE HUGS FOR REVIEWS*****  
  
Oh, and YES I'm actually commenting to me REVIEWERS, so review, why don't   
ya? Oh and read 'The Right Words to Say' should I end that fic or keep that   
along with this one? What should I do? AWWWWW! ^_^; I'm tired. It's 9:21 in   
the morning. I've been writing this since 8:00, enjoy! Please! Review! (I'll   
shuddup now and let the story be read!)...  
  
DISCLAIMER: All rights are exclusively Gainax, Inc.  
  
Part 4: Confrontation (by YIH)  
  
Shinji wiped his face off with exhaustion. The sensei had been dead serious   
when he had said that he would be cleaning up the classroom. He had just   
sweeped the floor until it sparkled, the chalkboard didn't have a speck of dust,   
every desk's shelf was cleaned to the point of seeming newer than new, the   
teacher's desk looked 5 years younger, the student closet seemed like it had   
never been used, and his muscles had never ached so much in his life. It   
seemed that sensei was enjoying this day's detention with almost a sinister   
demeanor.   
  
He was enormously relieved when the sensei grimly announced, "I guess there's   
nothing more you can do to clean up. You are dismissed."  
  
Finally, he thought, I can go home. He stared at the clock for a second and   
groaned loudly before running out of the school at a breakneck pace. It was his   
day to cook dinner. He prayed silently, Please don't let Misato cook. Please   
don't let Misato cook. I don't want to have to eat it to be nice. I really don't feel   
like eating crap. If there is a higher being, have mercy. I screwed up with Asuka   
today by telling the truth. I screwed up with sensei by trying to convince myself   
that Asuka doesn't think I'm insane. Don't let me screw up with dinner. Please   
Misato, be lazy, order takeout. I've got all the confidence with your ability to   
punch out the number to the nearest restaurant. Or better yet, I hope you went   
out with Kaji and get freakingly drunk. Just don't be in the kitchen when I get   
home. Don't be in the kitchen...  
  
He burst into the apartment in record time and quickly checked the kitchen. He   
nearly fell to the ground from intense heart failure and the lack of oxygen in his   
lungs. As it was he leaned heavily on the kitchen counter, severely out of breath.   
  
When he finally got his lungs under control, he took in the sight before him. It   
wasn't all that unusually, he mused, Asuka did occasional cook, but she never   
cooked on his day. What's up with her? He laughed, the better question would   
be what's up with me? I'm being far wierder than her.   
  
Asuka turned and caught a strange expression on Shinji's face. She quickly   
glanced away quickly, I've never seen Shinji look like that twice in a day. And   
what he said before class. I have to know. How could anyone love me?  
  
She banged the pan down. Pen-pen, who had waddled into the kitchen saw the   
intense seriousness on Asuka's face and grabbed the first plate and retreated   
back to the living room, "Wuagh!" [translation: Ooh, Shinji's in for it.]  
  
Shinji gazed up and caught the full force of the fire in her eyes. Uh oh, he almost   
felt like following Pen-pen, but he suppressed the urge with a very sarcastic,   
silent laugh. I'm still afraid of her when she looks like that. My spine might not   
be as strong as I thought it was.   
  
She took a deep breath. She had all these questions she had been meaning to   
ask and she wanted to launch it out all at once, but she was scared. Why am I   
scared? Not of baka Shinji, but I'm afraid he'll take back his words. Why? Why   
do I care what he thinks! I'm...   
  
He interrupted her warring thoughts, "Asuka, what's up?   
  
He said it so casually that Asuka almost lost her train of thought, she decided to   
just let it out in a rush, "Whatdidyoumean whenyousaid iloveyou?"  
  
Relief, was the first word to hit his brain. Shinji was so relieved that she hadn't   
said something along the lines, 'Baka, I don't want you to love me!' He wanted to   
laugh like a lunatic, but he suppressed the urge and murmured softly, "I meant   
every word I said."  
  
Asuka wanted to cry and the words that came out of her mouth weren't what she   
wanted to come out, "How can you... love me?"  
  
Her face was filled with self-doubt. It made Shinji feel awful and all he could do   
was whisper, "I just do, Asuka-chan."  
  
"Even- after all that I've done to you?" She was shaking with the revelation that   
Shinji could love her. Even after all the hits, the name-calling, the cruelty, the   
fights, and how many times she had told him she hated him.   
  
He smiled that beautiful smile, "Well, Asuka..." He moved closer to her until he   
was next to her, an inch away from touching her, "it's just the way you are." He   
understood all now. Asuka couldn't help being the way she was. He knew of her   
past from Misato. It had taught him a lot about how Asuka had to be to be   
strong. It made him feel for her and it had only increased his love for her.   
  
She said agonizingly, "But--, I'm not lovable..."  
  
He cupped her face with his hands and he kissed the corner of her mouth as   
sweetly as he could, "I think you are."  
  
Asuka look around wildly for a second before she dived into the nearest source   
of strength, Shinji. It's scary to think Shinji's strong, but he is. He has the power   
to tell how he feels. How he has changed, she thought. What has caused this   
change? I need this him. How I need this him...  
  
She kissed him, full force. She was the controlling one in this kiss, as she tended   
to be in every situation. Except for that fact, it was very much like the other kiss.   
However, it was Shinji's tongue that made the first move to deepen the kiss and it   
was Asuka's tongue that followed. They were trying to erase every detail of pain   
with passion...  
  
"DO I NEED TO GET YOU TWO A ROOM?" screamed Misato, after her first   
statement, 'You two are at it again?' hadn't registered in the kissers' brains.   
  
Asuka was the one that broke the kiss with a deep flush on her face. She didn't   
run away this time. She stood there as she finally understood the pull power of   
Shinji's words. He loved her. It scared her. But he loved her despite all her   
faults. That made her sad. He thought she was lovable. That made her want to   
cry.   
  
Shinji groaned, We have all the luck. Interruption twice in the same day by the   
same person... How lucky! He couldn't think of anything to say. All he could   
think about was Asuka's confession. She was scared. She didn't think she could   
be loved because of her faults. She didn't think she was lovable. How wrong   
she is, he sighed.   
  
Asuka and Shinji had been so busy with their conversation they didn't realize that   
the rest of the food had burned. Misato noticed and she groaned, "I guess it's   
takeout?"  
  
Asuka finally noticed that her meal had gone done the gutter and said, "I guess   
so."  
  
Shinji breathed with relief.   
  
Pen-pen gave a penguinish smile from the living room. He was happily stuffed   
and he had gotten an excellent soap opera with his meal. "Wuargh!"   
[translation: Those two...]  
  
Misato was already dialing the nearest Japanese restaurant, she yelled at the   
two, who were staring at each other with rapture, "What do you want? Or else   
I'm cooking."  
  
That trump card got their immediate attention. Both of them answered in record   
time as Misato thought disdainfully, Humph! My cooking isn't that bad... It just   
isn't that good...  



	6. Ssh! Don't Wake Shinji

Author's Note: A little late. I thought I would have this out Saturday morning.   
But I added another prereader to my staff, which makes me very happy and very   
tired. Anyways, thanks for being patient. Part 6 should be out as soon as the   
prereaders get back to me.   
  
Please Review when you read. It really helps me know that people actually want   
to read it. And it sort of get my brain working on the details of the story,   
especially since Christmas is coming and I tend to get lazy ^_^.   
  
The Staff:Author- Yih  
PreReaders- Kyo Tetsuei  
Catch22  
WorldMage (Edit Major)  
  
DISCLAIMER: All rights exclusively Gainax, Inc.   
  
Part 5: Ssh! Don't Wake Shinji!  
  
Shinji fell asleep with a soft smile on his face. Dinner had gone exceedingly well.   
He had never felt so connected to Asuka before. It had been fun playing footsie   
under the table and giggling when Misato stared at them with a confused   
expression on her face. He felt in love and happy. He was in heaven…  
  
Asuka stared at her wall for a long hour before she fell sleep. I can't believe   
Shinji loves me. He must be crazy. He will take back those words. Who can   
love me? But I want him to-- Why baka Shinji? Why not Kaji? Because he has   
Misato-san. I won't get too close to Shinji and I'll never return his feelings. I   
can't. I can't love anybody.  
  
[He felt awful.   
  
But he didn't know why. He did know that before he fell asleep he had never felt   
happier.   
  
How could he remember that?   
  
Misato was calling his name.  
  
What does she want?   
  
She was sobbing. Why was she sobbing?  
  
He huddled in the corner of his closet. He put his SDAT on.   
  
The music was hauntingly beautiful. It reminded him of Asuka. It was achingly   
sad, reminiscent of Asuka. Asuka.  
  
Where is Asuka?   
  
He cried. He felt the immense sadness build up in him.   
  
Misato cried out, "Shinji, where are you?"  
  
He can't go out. He has to run away from this. He can't take this pain.]  
  
"Shinji, wake up!" Asuka said urgently. She almost touched him when he sat   
straight up with tears streaming down his face. He's hurting. Why is he hurting?  
  
He breathed hard. He tasted his salty tears. I was crying. The dream was   
horrible. Why was I so sad?   
  
His wide red-rimmed eyes finally noticed Asuka. She kneeled down beside him   
with her head bent down over him in concern. She was concerned, he thought   
with delight, despite the awful dream he had just had. But I've scared her. The   
look on her face was of fear. I want to reassure her. But I can't remember what I   
dreamed. It was nothing. It was sadness, such incredible sorrow.  
  
He breathed shakily as he tried to comfort Asuka, "It's okay, Asuka-chan." He   
stroked her back. "I'm okay. It was nothing. Just a stupid dream."  
  
Asuka wasn't aware of Misato's entrance as she shakily retorted, "It wasn't just a   
stupid dream, baka! You were crying. You were curled up in a ball; you weren't   
crying about nothing. But I've never seen such grief on anybody's face. You're   
such a baka!"  
  
She ran out of the room, bumping into Misato.   
  
Misato had a strange expression on her face, an expression of disbelief as she   
murmured, "I don't know why you're crying or dreaming weird dreams, Shinji, but   
something is up. You two have never been this lovey dovey before; what   
happened?"  
  
Shinji stared at wall and finally responded, "I realized 'how I felt—' He   
hesitated… finally saying, 'about Asuka.'"  
  
"Oh, Shinji," Misato said sadly, "Asuka may not be able to reciprocate it."  
  
Misato knew intuitively what he was going to say next. "If I don't tell her now, I   
may never get a chance later."  
  
His words spelled gloom, but it strangely comforted her. She smiled at him   
comfortingly, "go cheer up Asuka. She needs it." She saw the dismayed look on   
his face and teased, "No, I'm not making breakfast. Pen-pen's become quite   
good at making waffles. I think he does five times a better job than I do."  
  
Pen-pen stood from the hallway when he heard her statement and he thought   
disdainfully, I do a hundred times better than her with my eyes closed. He said,   
"Wuagh?" [translation: Another soap opera perhaps?]  
  
Shinji climbed out of his bed and walked into Asuka's room. He found her staring   
at the window with her ice blue eyes searching for something.  
  
She turned around and her voice was deathly cold. "Go away, Ikari. Go away."  
  
It chilled him to the bone, but he held his ground. "What's wrong, Asuka-chan?"  
  
Her eyes blazed slightly before her voice imitated Shinji's. "What's wrong?   
What's wrong!? Everything! Oh, look at me, I'm not stupid, scared Shinji,   
anymore. Oh, look at me, I'm the Shinji in love? Do you really think I'd take you   
seriously? Hahaha!" She paused for a second, then sneered, "How gullible you   
must have thought I waa-- What was this, hentai? Some way to get me in the   
sack!?"  
  
Shinji backed up a step involuntary, She can't be serious. Is that what she thinks   
of me? I can't take this. I don't have to take this. I won't take this.   
  
He lifted his head and gave her one last look straight in the eyes. His eyes filled   
with tears at her hurtful words before he ran out of the room. He passed Misato,   
who was about to joke with him, but her words were caught up in her throat as   
she saw his face.   
  
Pen-pen rolled his eyes upward as he thought, Yep, another soap opera…  
  
Asuka's shoulders started to shake as she fought the tears, he doesn't love me.   
He just wanted to screw me. I hate him. I hate him. I knew he would run at the   
first opportunity. That isn't the Shinji I can either like or respect. And I'm not   
lovable.  
  
Misato knocked on Asuka's door, and softly murmured, "Asuka, are you okay?"  
  
"Go away, Misato!" Her voice was clear and unbroken, despite her body's   
shivering.   
  
Misato took a deep breath. "I understand, Asuka. You care for him. It's okay to   
show your feelings. But what you said to him-- you really don't mean. He's   
hurting right now." She paused, "This may be the last thing he's willing to take.   
He really loves you, Asuka."  
  
Asuka opened the door with a bang, she sneered, "I don't care for that baka! I   
hate him! I HATE SHINJI!" She hiccuped as she held back her tears, "I--"   
  
She shoved the door in Misato's face as Asuka collapsed to the floor, sobbing   
quietly, Shinji… Shinji… I need you, baka.  
  
Shinji covered his ears as he heard Asuka's conversation with Misato. She   
means it, too, he mournfully thought. She hates me. And I love her. Why is life   
like this? Why?   
  
He screamed in his mind, haven't I done the right thing, God? Haven't I given my   
life for the goodness of mankind? Or is this just your way of telling me that Evas   
shouldn't annihilate those fucking angels! How could you do this to me… don't   
you know I can't take anymore of this-- PAIN? You know everything… how can   
you not know this? Maybe you do, he thought sadistically, but you like my   
suffering. You LIKE it! You--  
  
He was interrupted once more by Misato as she hugged him to her. "Asuka's   
crying."  
  
His words pierced her heart: "Why do you think I care?  
  
She persisted as she gathered strength, "but you do-- care."  
  
"Even if I did," he heaved a heavy sigh as he said, "Asuka doesn't."  
  
"I think she does," she joked in a strained voice. "She just doesn't know it."  
  
He stared at her, not believing one word.   
  
"If," she allowed, "she doesn't care, still you are her Shinji. Not just my Shinji, not   
just your mom's Shinji, not just Rei's Shinji, not just Eva-01's Shinji, your her   
Shinji. She needs you. She's always needed you."   
  
She broke off as she tried to control her voice. "Because you're the only one that   
can understand her anguish. You've lost your mom to an Eva, as she has. Your   
father doesn't care for you, and hers doesn't care for her."  
  
"Do you understand me, Shinji? SHE NEEDS YOU."  



	7. Reconciliation

Title: **I Love You, Asuka (6)**

Author: Yih

Written: ?, revised December 21, 2000

Edit Major: Worldmage

Dedication: To the following Reviewers: Yebisu Beer, Bassman, Skull_Leader, Purplecow, Ron, Yukiko, Anime ~~, and John-kun

Disclaimer: All rights are exclusively Gainax, except for the original scenes and phrases that the following characters use: Asuka, Misato, Pen-pen, and Shinji.

Part 6: Reconciliation

Misato's words slowly penetrated Shinji's half-confused brain.He sighed deeply as Misato asked worriedly, "Are you… going to go to her?"

His clear blue eyes startled her as he seemed to look into her very soul with strange intensity, "Does she really need me?"

She was momentarily taken back at his response, _with a stare like that_, she mused, _I could never lie to him_.She was thankful she could answer him truthfully, "You should go to her.She needs you."

He gave a ghost of a smile."Thank you, Misato."

With another uncharacteristic Shinji move, he kissed her forehead softly before rising from his bed and straightening his shirt twice.The movements indicated what his body stance did not.He was nervous and unsure.

He left his room after carefully closing the door behind him, he wanted as much privacy as he could have.He knocked as quietly as humanly possible on Asuka's door.He cringed as Asuka screamed, "GO AWAY!HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?"

He was still scared of her, but _I love her.I really love her.I want to be with her no matter what, but she terrifies me._

_ _

He opened the door and dodged when she threw a heavy textbook at him.It missed him, barely.He glanced at her and saw her curled in the corner of the room, shaking.It caused an ache in his heart and any hesitation he felt dissolved.All he wanted to do was comfort her.

He prayed, _let her, hear me out.Let me, be there for her._

_ _

Shinji knelt beside her. He wasn't prepared for her to say brokenly, "Shin-Shinji… I- Idon'thateyou."

He wrapped his arms around her and his bodily warmth seemed to comfort both of them.He whispered into her ear, admitting, "The dream-- you were right.It wasn't nothing.It was something."

He felt the tears choke up in his throat.She shifted to look him in the eye indicating that she wanted him to continue.He cleared his throat raggedly after a long second. "I think I felt… I felt incredible sadness.It was just anguish.And then- I don't know."

"I- I don't know why I said those things to you," she miserably confessed after the long silence that followed.Her teary eyes met his. "I don't believe you love me-- why do you have to love me?"

Of all the things she might have said, this wasn't what he had expected.All he could do was respond quietly, "I just do."

He smiled sadly as he blurt out, "You scare me."

He thought she'd laugh at the statement, but if he had known her state of mind, he wouldn't have said it.She didn't make a noise as a few more tears were shed down her face.He caught one with his finger as it trickled down her cheek.He tasted her tear and thought, _salty._

Asuka was blanking out.__

_ _

_How can he say he loves me?_She ironically rambled when the words caught up to her, _when he says he's afraid of me?What a baka!_She paused. _Why do I feel like crying so much?In front of him, of all people.I hate needing people. I don't hate him.I hate needing him.But I do need him.Why?Why him?_

She took in a deep breath, calming her shaking nerves. "You don't need to hold me, Shinji."

He regretfully released his hold on her.

"And I don't hate you," she finally concluded.

His heart gave a small leap.

"But—baka, it doesn't me you can jump me." She smiled through her tears.

Shinji grinned with laughter in his eyes, despite his recent sadness after the sad episode.

"I don't think you love me," she announced breezily.

His heart took a dive and he repeated his declaration to make sure she understood him, "I love you, Asuka.I love all of you."

She smiled sunnily.

His heart waited on a precipice. 

"But— I don't need your love, baka.And I don't need you."

It fell.

_I hope he doesn't take me too seriously_, she reflected uncertainly._Because I do need him.He's my Shinji.My baka.I just don't want him… to think I need him._

_ _

_She doesn't mean that, _he tried to convince himself._I'll just have to do better.To make her see that my love for her is real.And that that's all I have sustaining me._

Pen-pen signaled to Misato with his flipper, _all clear, the clouds have dissipated and the tornado warning is no longer in effect.But be cautious, a thunder storm may still hit the area by midnight._

Misato ignored the bird and guzzled down another beer.She threw one at Pen-pen, who popped it open with his beak and thanked her with a triumphant, "Wuargh!Wuaagh." [translation: Hallelujah!You read my mind, babe.]

She nodded at Pen-pen and raised her beer can, "Toast?"

Pen-pen responded and tried to lift up his beer can, "Wuargh!" [translation: Toast!]

"To you and me--may we live through their dating, their romance, their love, their wedding, their happiness with stable, sound minds…"

"Wuaagh!Wuagh…"[translation: You said it, babe!I hope so!]

Their beer cans went up and within mere seconds Misato and Pen-pen both burped simultaneously.They repeated the ritual again, this time toasting: 

"To Shinji and Asuka, may they discover their love before they drive us to insanity…"

"Wuargh!"[translation: Yeah, right!]

Misato's last coherent toast was:

"To beer, my one true love!"

"WUARGH!" [translation: Now that's a toast!]

**Author's Note**: I am currently in the middle of Part 8.Part 7 is going through the drafting process and should be out by Sunday, no promises though because I have other obligations to other fanfictions and fact is: I enjoy writing what I want to write when I want to write it!Besides I'm trying to start Right Words again, should I try for a monthyly or bi-monthly rhythm with this one?

P.S. The more you review "thoughtfully" the more I want to write, ^_^.

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	8. Clarification

Title:**I Love You, Asuka (7)**

Author:Yih

Revised:December 25, 2000 (Christmas Day)

Edit Major:Worldmage -_-'

Dedication: To the following Reviewers- Skull_leader, Ahriman, Worldmage (hehe you reviewed lol, do it again!), gwkitty, Ron, purplecow, and Yebisu Beer.(if I left you out you didn't review.DAMMIT REVIEW why is it that **crappy** fanfics get more reviews than the ones peeps seem to like? ~currently thinking I should concentrate more on CardCaptor Sakura because I can at least get more than reviews with much less readers!~)

Okay enjoy.^_^

Disclaimer: Gainax, Inc is the creator of the series, merely boring.^_^'

Part 7: Clarification

The next day, Asuka resumed her normal state of mind and dragged Shinji to school thinking about the unusual events of the day before.Shinji admired her jaunty and graceful stride as they walked to school.She was definitely a woman in control.Before he knew it, they were in front of the school.

As she entered the room, Asuka was immediately caught by Hikari.Her best friend promptly hissed as she dragged Asuka away, "What's going on between you two?Shinji couldn't take his eyes off you, yesterday."

Asuka stared at her best friend in frankly before responding: "He's probably just getting all goo-goo eyes over my spectacular beauty."

Hikari wiggled her nose in disbelief and offered her own opinions."I think he is seriously crushing on you."

"He says he loves me," Asuka said nonchalantly.

Hikari burst out, "what!?He said—'I love you,' just like that?Is this Ikari Shinji we are talking about?You must be joking, Asuka."

Asuka stared her best friend in the eye before saying authoritatively, "actually, he said, 'I love you, Asuka.'I'm not joking.Why should you be so surprised?We are talking about me, after all."

"You're taking this very well…" Hikari drifted off.

"Of course, all the hentai boys in this class are probably crazy about me.Although--Shinji's really silly to confess his undying love.It doesn't surprise me," Asuka lied with relative ease.

Hikari sighed."But Asuka, Shinji isn't one for blurting out things like that.If he said it--I think he means it."She lifted her eyes up dreamily."If Touji-kun ever said that to me, I think I would faint.I'd be so happy."

"I still don't see what you see in that hentai," Asuka grumbled."He isn't worth your nail, but less your finger.Why do you waste your time with him?Not like there's much to pick from in this class--"

Hikari shook her head, which clearly meant she didn't agree with her best friend."Touji is very sweet.He's kind and caring.And, Asuka--you don't choose who you love or even who you like.It just happens."

Asuka thought about the last sentence, _I--why can't I tell Hikari the truth?I don't know why baka Shinji loves me.And I might care for him.I don't understand how.Would she understand?If I told her?_

Shinji was staring at the Asuka's back as Hikari dragged her to the corner of the room.He sighed deeply.He had been hoping to spend some time with her._So much for that idea, _he thought with resignation.

Shinji was dragged from his thoughts when Touji nudged him from behind."What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing," he squeaked, caught by surprise.

The expression on Touji's face said he didn't believe him.Shinji reluctantly murmured, "Asuka."

"What did the red goddess bitch do now?" Touji cheerfully inquired.

Shinji narrowed his eyes, warningly."You wouldn't understand."

Touji immediately understood, "I didn't mean it that way.You know you can talk to me.If it's something serious, I can put on my serious face in a second."He did a quick demonstration, which caused Shinji to crack a small smile."See?Now spill it, Ikari."

Shinji's conscience nagged on him, **_you got to ask someone's opinion.You know Touji will be on your side.You need the cheering up_**_._

_ _

Shinji retorted back silently, _he's so much on my side that he won't understand my situation.Besides, he hates Asuka._

**_Ask him.You won't know until you ask him.Ask him._**The conscience inside of Shinji pushed at him.__

_FINE!_

_ _

"Touji," Shinji muttered, "I told Asuka I loved her."

He closed his eyes after he confessed, waiting for Touji to say he was crazy or, worse, break down into tears of laughter.Nothing happened.He opened his eyes carefully.

Touji was staring at him as if he didn't know what to say.Then he responded, "I can't understand that.But I suppose the bit--she has some good points.After all, you hang out with her from dawn until dusk."

Shinji blurted out, "you don't think this is funny?"

"Err… ehm… uh?"

"BecauseIthoughtyouwouldthinkI'mjokingyousee.'CauseIknowyouhateherandall," Shinji babbled rapidly without taking a breath or even a pause between the words.

Touji held out his hand."Slow down, Shinji.I can only take so much like that in one day. And calm down."

Shinji took a deep breath to show his friend that he was relaxing.

"I think you're nuts," Touji concluded."But you're my nutty friend.And I'm not talking about nuts nuts.But crazy nuts.I really don't know what to say.She's beautiful and all, but you've fallen for Devil in disguise.Not just a messenger of the Devil, but the Lucifer.I don't know how you could do it.But you've somehow do that very thing.

"Why can't you be sensible like me?Why don't you like a sweet, kind, caring, cute girl like Hikari?I'm not saying you should like Hikari, but you get the message?I think I could see you more with Rei than I could see you with Asuka."He shook his head and continued with his suggestions: "I really can't offer any advice.I don't see how you can fall for Asuka.Anyway, I'll be there for you, man.I still think you're crazy.But I'll help anyway I can."

Shinji saw that Touji still couldn't get over the 'How can you fall for Asuka?'He didn't quite know the answer to that question either.He asked, "Touji, I need advise.Asuka said she didn't need my love.Why would she say that?"

Touji wanted to bang his head against the wall, but settled for shouting, "I didn't mean I'd offer advice right away, Ikari!I still can't get over the idea of you and Asuka.It's just OUTRAGEOUS!"

Shinji smiled with slight amusement."Eh— can you offer me any advice?Do I have to go to Kensuke?"

"What I'm wondering is why she isn't making fun of you," Touji replied back, his forehead furrowed with thought.

_He does have a point_, Shinji thought._Why isn't she laughing at me?Normally Asuka jumps at the chance to humiliate me. _

"And," Touji continued, "she never said she didn't love you, did--"

Shinji interrupted Touji."She said she hated me the other night.Rather forcefully.But she took the words back later."

"At the very least, Shinji," Touji muttered in consternation, "Asuka may like you more than you know."

The thought thrilled Shinji.

The sensei walked into the room and ordered everyone into his seat.Shinji finally noticed that Kensuke was nowhere in sight when sensei began another boring lecture.He sighed and began thinking.

Asuka was still thinking about telling Hikari her questionable feelings for Shinji when the lunch bell rang.Hikari tapped Asuka on the shoulder and smiled."Let's get going, Asuka-chan."

Asuka followed her best friend to the lunch room since Hikari had already gotten Asuka's lunch from Shinji.As they were sitting down, Asuka confessed, "I think I like Shinji."

Hikari said nothing as she set out her lunch.She turned slowly and look carefully at Asuka to make sure this wasn't a joke.Then she nodded to show that she had heard Asuka."I thought you liked him."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Asuka muttered.

Hikari smiled, "Asuka, you aren't one of the easiest people to talk to about stuff like that."

Asuka shrugged, "Do you think that baka can love me?"

"I think he does," Hikari confirmed quietly.

"I don't believe him."

Hikari sighed, "Asuka, have you seen the way he looks at you when he thinks you're not looking?Either he likes you a lot, or he's falling in love with you."

"I--Shinji is a baka," stated Asuka in a clear voice.

"I think he cares for you a lot, Asuka-chan.He puts up with all your moods and he knows you best," Hikari explained."Shinji isn't a baka.I think you call him that because you don't want to show him you care.But you do.I--"

"I don't--" Asuka interrupted.

"But you do, Asuka," Hikari answered.

Asuka glanced at Hikari.

"I think you really like him."

Asuka shrugged without a comment.

"I think you love him."

Asuka averted her gaze and said nothing.

The day was slow to go by after lunch.Sensei had another incredibly boring lecture prepared for the class.Everyone stiffled his yawns and prepared to listen to the sensei.

Hikari caught Touji after school, "I saw you talking to Ikari-kun."

"Yeah, I was," Touji replied with a cautious smile.

"Did he say anything about Asuka?" she inquired.

Touji nodded."He said a lot."

"Will you tell me?"

Touji shrugged."I saw you talking to the –-"

"Don't you dare call Asuka-chan that!" Hikari warned.

"Anyways, what did she say to you?" Touji smoothly followed up.

Hikari countered, "will you tell me what Ikari-kun said?"

"Maybe."

"Agree or not?" Hikari demanded.

"Agreed," Touji said with a grin.

She took a deep breath as she tried to tell him something very surprising.She finally said, "She likes him, Touji-kun.She really likes him."

"He loves her," he murmured after getting over his shock."He really loves her."

Hikari took his hand in hers."Do you think they'll ever be able to be together?"

"Not in this universe."

**Author's Note**:Part 8 is being revised by Worldmage ^_~.Part 9 is outlined and is being written.Right Words is on a permanent standstill.I may or may not continue this series because first off: running out of good ideas.Secondly, people keep complaining about the speed of which I get things out and the length: GOMEN!

P.S. Should I continue Right Words or not?Please review (I think I should set the standard that I need 10 reviews before I release the next Part because my reads/review is pitifully high and it's only not as high because I write for other animes, etc. that do review a lot!Example=

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	9. Seize the Moment

Title:**I Love You, Asuka (8)**

Author:Yih

Revised: January 5, 2001

Edit Major:Worldmage

Dedication: To the Following Reviewers (REVIEW THIS ONE TOO!)- **Narck Death** (thanks, I try my best), **Ahriman** (stop writing Rightwords, thankyou for not complaining about the length), **Worldmage** (I love the face!), **Bob2345** (I might consider quitting Rightwords), **catch22** (I'd like to continue both, but err.. I'd like to start on a more promising series that's not too WAFF-ish), **blasted_sheist** (K), **FierySable** (you'll just have to read and see), **cali-chan **(thanks for reviewing, this if my GIFT TO ALL OF YOU, an EXTRA long Part), **Yebisu Beer** (I am honored by your beer-belly presence), **Mutronborg** (I've gotten that from many people.I'm glad I'm not too OOC), **Skull_Leader** (many twists + turns, but I've already written out the details so I've got to follow them, I just have to connect them), **Scarlet Fiacchi** (next ALL in English, PLEASE?), **Kyo Tetsuei** (Thanks, I needed that), **Mike Janes** (k), Carlos Adrian (here's a long part), **purplecow** (sort of tired of complaints, I'm a big poetic person I like effects), **Ron** (I try my best), **Flint** (you try writing 1,000 words of quality in a time slot that includes checking your email?). **David Ziegler** (read my explanation for the speedy run-on line from purplecow, most of the mistakes should be corrected by Worldmage, I'm not a big grammar person, I'm more of an effect person)**skymage** (I understand it so well)

Disclaimer:I claim no rights to the characters, all belong to Gainax. 

Opening Song Author:Yih

Opening Song Written: January 5/6, 2001Revised: January 6, 2001

Opening Song Rights:The lyrics are original and have not been taken from any other sources but the imagination of a sleepless author who came up with the chorus at midnight.

OPENING SONG:

Unexpected (Vs. #1)

It was unexpected

It was unimagined

I was totally surprised

This led to that

And before I knew it

I was more in love

Her smile **lights** up my day

She makes me so crazy

I could kiss the sky

But I'd really like to kiss her

Anywhere and everywhere

She always tastes like heaven 

It was unexpected

It was unimagined

I was totally surprised

This led to that

And before I knew it

I was more in love

I wanna tell her everything

But I'm so scared…

She'll just **push** me aside

And crush my spirit

It was unexpected

It was unimagined

I was totally surprised

This led to that

And before I knew it

I was more in love

Part 8: Seize the Moment

Shinji followed Asuka home from school, thinking about his conversation with Touji._I think he may be right.She may just like me.Why else would she be so concerned about me?She must care in some way.How can I show her that I care?All I am is talking.I'm not doing ANYTHING.I know what—I know just what to do._

Shinji snapped out of his thoughts and started walking faster.He overtook Asuka by the next corner and instead of turning right, he turned left and crossed the street.Asuka yelled at him, "where do you think you're going, baka?"

He stopped and glanced at Asuka."Somewhere."

"Where?" Asuka asked again in a loud voice with distinct irritation.

"You won't know unless you come with me," Shinji responded.

Asuka glared at him for a second before she checked both sides of the street and ran across.She continued to glare at him as she took his hand in hers and muttered, "let's get going, baka."

Shinji smiled and proceeded to lead her to his chosen destination.He weaved them in and out of the traffic of numerous students retreating to their respective homes.By the time they had arrived, the sidewalks were a little less crowded, but activity was still bustling around.

Before Asuka could see the mysterious place, he gently withdrew his hand from hers and covered her eyes.Her voice grated against his ears, "What are you doing, dummkopf?You baka, get your hands off of me!"

He guided them around the corner and asked politely, "Asuka, please sit."

She sat down, dragging Shinji down with her.He nearly fell into her lap.He managed to stumble to the side, instead.Her eyes snapped opened with surprise as she yelled at Shinji again.She stared at the scene in front of her.

She started laughing.She laughed so hard she tumbled to the side of the bench and he didn't want to know what she was laughing so hard at.He mentally kicked himself.

She jumped off the bench and grinned at Shinji, "I love it!How did you know I was a video game fanatic?"

Shinji nearly fell down when she said it.He looked at the scene again.

The first thing he saw was a new video arcade which was filled withteenagers eagerly playing the latest games.The loud digital sounds were a sharp contrast from the idyllic coffee shop next store.He had been hoping to talk in depth with Asuka over a nice cup of mocha.

_Just my luck.I pleased Asuka in a way I didn't intend to.At least now I know what she likes_, he considered as he sighed inwardly.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Asuka grabbed his hand and dragged him with her into the arcade.

Shinji stopped Asuka from barreling her way through the crowd by gesturing to something to the right side of the arcade."Asuka-chan, don't you want to get something over there?"

"What?" she sharply asked, slightly agitated.

He pointed to the coin machine."Tokens?"

"Baka!" Asuka grinned."Is this your treat?"

"Yes, it's my treat," Shinji replied as he went over to the machine and exchanged his money for tokens.He returned after a few seconds with a handful of coins."So what do you want to play?"

"This!" Asuka pointed to a new and, Shinji noticed, one of the more expensive games in the arcade.

"Alright.Do you think you can beat me?"

Asuka gazed at him triumphantly."The question, baka, is whether or not you'll live a second before you're dead.We're talking about the great Second Child, baka."

Shinji raised his eyebrow."I'm up for the challenge.Let's play."

"You'll just lose," Asuka predicted.

"We'll see about that," Shinji responded.

It turned out that Asuka was as good as she said she was.She easily beat him three times.It wasn't worth playing because Asuka killed Shinji's fighter before he even had a chance to play.It wasn't that Shinji was bad.Asuka was just really good at it.She wasn't just whipping Shinji's butt; she happened to be humbling quite a few of good players easily.They grumbled at the waste of money before retreating to other games where they wouldn't be killed by a gorgeous redhead.

Asuka's eyes were shining with victory, and she scanned the room for more potential challengers before she nudged Shinji."Let's go.I don't think anyone wants to get beaten by me anymore."

Shinji smiled, "You're a really good player, Asuka."

"Thanks."Asuka smiled sunnily."This was fun.How did you know about this place?"

Shinji shrugged."I just do."

He thought retrospectively, _it was more like you knew about it, Asuka. This wasn't meant to be our destination.But that's okay.I had fun.It's fun being with you having fun._

Asuka placed her hand into his."Well, I had fun.Want to come here tomorrow?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" Shinji inquired.

Asuka grumbled, "I guess I am.Are you accepting?"

Shinji gave the impression he was thinking hard before Asuka socked him in the stomach with her other hand. "Oowwwow!"Shinji cried out."What was that for?"

"For thinking I was asking you out on a date!" Asuka retorted.

Shinji pointed out, "but you were asking me out.You just said you were."

He managed to avoid getting hit again when he dodged her quick arm. 

"I was not asking you out, baka!" Asuka insisted.

"Anyways, what do you want to have for dinner?" Shinji asked.He pointed to his watch."We don't have time to make it back home.We can stop at the nearest restaurant and call Misato-san that we're going to eat out tonight.I think Misato-san had to work late, so I don't think that'll be a problem.Convincing her, I mean."

He wasn't used to Asuka staring at him.It made him vaguely uncomfortable, in a good way though.He gulped, and he was very surprised when she mocked him; "are you asking me out, Shinji?"

"Uh--" Shinji murmured, wondering what Asuka's intentions were."I'm just asking where you want to eat," he explained.

"I think you're asking me out," she accused.

Shinji found himself doing Touji's unable to speak phrase, "Err… ehm… uh?"

"Are you asking me out, Shinji?" she repeated.

He noticed that she wasn't calling him 'baka'._That must be a good thing,_ he thought._Why not say yes?Yes, I am asking you on a date, Soryu Asuka Langley.What are you going to do about it?But I can't say that to her, _he moaned._She'll think--she'll think, I should just say it._

Asuka was perplexed as she saw the changing expression of Shinji's various thoughts._Well, whatever he's thinking about, it must be interesting.He wouldn't just animate his face like that for nothing.I wonder what he's thinking.I wonder--._

"Asuka," Shinji asked, "are you here?"

She looked up after a long second, caught in her thoughts."Yes, I'm here."

"If I asked you out," Shinji hesitated, "what would you say?"

_What would I say?_Asuka thought for a terrifying second._No, absolutely without a doubt I'd say no.Why would I say yes to this baka?This third child?But, to say yes--- it would open some new doors--- what to say--- WHAT TO SAY!?!_

_ _

"Well?" Shinji asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"First off," Asuka responded slowly, "where do you intend to take me on our first date?"

"What would you like to eat?" Shinji inquired patiently.

Asuka stalked back and forth in front of him, thinking of where they could possibly eat.She hit upon the perfect place."What about the new German restaurant a few blocks from here?"

_She has expensive tastes, _was the thought that crossed Shinji's mind.He took out what was left of his money and started counting it carefully.He hadn't spend that much because Asuka had been quite good at the game._I think I have enough.But what if I don't?_

"WELL?" Asuka repeated what he had said scarcely a minute before.

"Um—" Shinji replied, "I might not have enough."

"Enough?" Asuka queried.

"Money," Shinji explained.

Asuka nodded with understanding and thought, _After all, he didn't plan on this_."Well we can always go to that Japanese noodle shop you like."

"You wouldn't mind?"Shinji asked, trying to keep the relief out of his voice.

Asuka replied with a grin, "of course not.But when we have our first date, it will be at that German restaurant."

The only response he could think of was"well, what would this little dinner be called then?"

The grin was still on Asuka's lip as she enlightened him, "it's called 'have a dinner with a friend'."

"But it could also be called a date, couldn't it?"Shinji countered.

"It could.But it isn't," Asuka stated finally.

Shinji could only smile and they walked companionably to the nearest Ramen stand that he enjoyed eating at frequently._I think I'll order my favorite dish.Even Asuka has to admit their noodles are very good.Even she likes this place.But she doesn't like it as much as I do.She's being thoughtful.Could that mean--she likes me?_

_ _

Asuka glanced at Shinji and saw that his smile was still written all over his face._Well, my choice of food seems to make him very happy.He looks so innocent when he's happy.How can he fight those damn angels?Damn--why do I even care?_

_ _

_I hope she likes me, _Shinji thought._I don't care if she can't love me.But if she likes me, it doesn't matter._

_ _

Shinji's inner voice nagged at him, **_But it does matter, Shinji.If she doesn't love you, it would be just like your relationship with your father.You love him, but he doesn't love you.You wouldn't want that with Asuka, would you?_**

**_ _**

_No, no I wouldn't, _Shinji agreed._I'd like her to love me.But if that isn't possible, it'll be okay.I can accept what she can give.But can I?_His inner voice had gotten to him, _Can I love her with all my heart if she doesn't love me?_

"Shinji?Shinji?Shinji!" Asuka repeated.

Shinji nearly jumped out of his seat as he exclaimed, "what?!"

Asuka shook her head and gestured to the waiter.Shinji blushed and muttered, "I'll have number six."

The waiter nodded and left.Asuka stirred the water in her glass of water with the straw in her hand.She finally asked, "what's wrong?"

Shinji didn't want to tell her what he was really thinking."I've got a lot on my mind."

_What could he possibly be thinking of that would distract him that badly?I hope it's nothing sad, _Asuka selfishly thought._It would ruin the perfectly fun time we've had.Just like that baka to do such a thing.He always has to do something wrong._

_I don't even want to know what Asuka's thinking_, Shinji moaned._I was totally pathetic._

You were.But hey--I don't think she'd mind you thinking of her.Girls like that.Why don't you just ask her?

_ _

_Why should I follow your advice? _Shinji retorted.**__**

**_ _**

**_Well do you see anyone that hears all your thoughts 24-7?_**

"Asuka?"He waited for her to look up at him from her food."Er—em—"

Chicken.

**_ _**

"I—do you—"Shinji stuttered.

**_Chicken's ass._**

**_ _**

_Shut up!_

_ _

"What would you like for dessert?"Shinji finally said.

You really got the point across that time.

**_ _**

_Shut up!_

_ _

But I can't.See--when you think I have to think.

_ _

_I'll stop thinking to shut you up!****_

**_ _**

**_But you think all the time._**

**_ _**

_SHUT UP!_

_ _

Asuka interrupted the internal war when she responded, "I'd like ice cream.Didn't you tell me they make really good ice cream?"

"Yeah."Shinji smiled."They have really good ice cream here."

"I think I'll get chocolate," Asuka said."I hope it's good."

Shinji accidently blurt out, "Asuka, you make everything taste delicious."

Asuka stared at him, but she didn't call him a hentai.She was too taken back by the compliment.

**_SCORE!_**

**_ _**

_Didn't I tell you to SHUT UP?!!****_

**_ _**

**_Aww--but you're thinking!So how can I?_**__

_ _

_IF you have to talk, give me some advice!****_

**_ _**

Well, currently the target is in shock.I'd just say what you mean and not try to um--what's the word?Side-track the issue?Something like that, anyways.

_ _

_Great advice, _Shinji thought sarcastically.

Asuka waited for Shinji to explain himself.

"Well you see--you have really beautiful lips, Asuka."

"Complimenting won't get you anywhere," Asuka responded sharply.

**_She likes what you said, _**his inner voice said with glee.

_How would you know?_

**_She hasn't called you a 'hentai'!_**

**_ _**

You're crazy.****

**_ _**

**_But am I ever right.Admit it!_**__

_ _

_You're right._

_ _

**_HAHAHAHAAH!_**

**_ _**

"I really mean it, Asuka," he replied frankly.

She shrugged and tasted the ice cream.She licked her lips when some of the ice cream didn't make it entirely into her mouth._He's a hentai, _she thought._But at least he has good taste.After all, he likes my lips._

_ _

Shinji sighed as he watched Asuka eat the ice cream slowly, licking her lips every few seconds._That looks like a good dessert._

_ _

Told you.She likes the compliment.

**_ _**

_Must you always interrupt my thoughts?_

_ _

I am your thoughts.

_ _

_Then why haven't I ever heard you before?****_

**_ _**

**_Because you never needed me._**

**_ _**

Whatever.

_ _

She's a smart girl.She knows how to use what she's got.

_ _

_Yeah, she is, _Shinji agreed._And she's so beautiful.****_

"Come on Shinji, let's go," Asuka exclaimed.

Shinji jerked his head up and smiled."It's late isn't it?"

Asuka nodded._Boy, is he ever out of it._

_ _

She didn't even try to insult him, belittle him, or pester him on the long walk home.They finally made it back to Misato's apartment late in the evening.They found Misato on the couch with Pen-pen enjoying an unknown number of beers together.Asuka shook her head and dragged Shinji to their rooms.They split up to their respective rooms.

"Good night, Asuka-chan.I had a great time," Shinji murmured.

Asuka felt her cheeks turn a little pink."I had a wonderful time too.Thanks for taking me to the video game arcade.Good night, baka."

_At least she said it affectionately, _Shinji thought happily.

**_You are in so deep and over your head._**His inner voice shook his imaginary head with great dismay.

Asuka and Shinji closed their doors.Shinji closed his door louder than he normally would, trying to remind his inner voice he didn't need to hear every single comment that little fellow wanted to say.

What makes you think I'm a guy, just because---YOU'RE ONE?  
  


_You're a girl?_

I don't have to dignify you with an answer.I am a higher being.

Shinji burst out laughing._You're acting like Asuka._

_ _

Hummph!For your information, I don't have a gender.

# No wonder…

_ _

**_WHAT?_**

**_ _**

I don't have to answer you.****

**_ _**

**_WHY NOT?_**

**_ _**

# Because--I just don't.

His conscious nagged at him before settling down.He sprawled on his bed, crumpling the fresh sheets._I think Asuka's warming up to me.I hope she can love me.I really hope she can love me.I think she's finally learned to like me.With enough time--I think she can love me like I love her._

_ _

Misato was stirred slightly when Shinji banged his door shut.She shoved Pen-pen to the ground and he said indignantly, "Wuargh!"[translation: Watch where you're touching!]

"I think they're--they're back," Misato slurred.

Pen-pen thought with amusement, _She may have more tolerance than most people, but she can't compete with my penguin tolerance!We birds ROCK!_

_ _

"I hope they've settled their problems."

# I agree.I've had enough of their unsure rock dance.It's time they salsa.Pen-pen shook his flippers.

"Pen-pen?" Pen-pen looked up at Misato before she said, "get me another beer."

_I'm not your goddamn butler.Even if I do look like one in my tux, _Pen-pen huffed as he waddled to the kitchen.

**Author's Note**:Part 9 is getting the finishing touches before I send it to Worldmage, again.I hope to keep at the weekly schedule, if I feel I won't make it, I'll skip next week because this is TWICE as long as my other parts.PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING, it helps TREMENDOUSLY.It only helps me get better.I'm really happy that I've gotten 20 reviews and some are first time reviewers!!!That surpasses most of my other fan-fics, but I have gotten that many reviews for my Dark Angel fanfics, so just keep bringing my some joy (I love hearing from you guys!I love to explain why I do things ~ if they're not spoilers ~).Enjoy this, isn't this a really sweet sweet loving part?

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	10. Thanatopsis (Meditation on Death)

Title:**I Love You, Asuka (9)**

Author:Yih

Revised:January 12, 2001

Edit Major:Worldmage

Dedication:Davie Ziegler, Narck Daggon, Ahriman, Macros, cali-chan, Brice Rankin, Natari-chan, catch22, purplecow, FierySable, Jia-Tien, Koaru's revenge, Flint, Rhine, TommyRude, Puarr, Iris, sky mage, Ensign Zeke, Bob2345, Jonathan, Skull_Leader, Scarlet Fiacchi, Yebisu Beer(KEEP REVIEWING ^_^)

Disclaimer:All rights belong to Gainax.

Poet Author:Yih

Poem Written: January 11, 2001

## To Get You In The Mood

No Title #2 (Vs. #1) 

If I die today

A question I must ask

Have I done anything--anything at all?

It allows many unthoughtful answers

People give to appease

MY burning desire to be known

Lies forgotten with junky mail

To be thrown after sorting

Is that all that I am?

This world is unforgiving

It is forever deceiving

People promise and never do

Nothing matters anymore

Nothing really matters anymore

If I die today

No one bothers to even care  
Nothing matters anymore

Nothing really matters anymore

_Iamforgotten_

_ _

Part 9: Thanatopsis (Meditation on Death)

["Shinji!Where are you?"Misato cried out desperately."Why won't you come out?Why won't you let me find you?Where are you Shinji?"

Shinji huddled in the corner of his closet with his hands over his earphones to block out Misato's voice.

He didn't need to hear this.

He didn't want to hear this.

He wouldn't believe whatever she said.He couldn't.

"Asuka will live.She will live.She will live.Whatever you say, it's not true.I won't believe it.I will not believe,"Shinji babbled over and over for emphasis.

"Shinji?"Misato opened the closet."I've heard some news from the doctors."

Shinji started screaming.She held him close to her as he kept screaming his pain.

"It's okay Shinji.It's okay, Shinji!"Misato sobbed."Why won't you listen to me?"

Shinji kept screaming as he covered his ears with his hands to prevent him from hearing what Misato had to say.He fainted from sheer exhaustion:

"Shinji… Shinji…"she called to him.

He turned to look at his beautiful, lost Asuka."How are you here?" 

"I'm always here."She didn't explain further.

He sighed with relief."I'm happy that you're here."

She shrugged."It doesn't matter, whether I'm here or not."

Shinji felt a deep aching hurt."Of course it matters!"he shouted at her."You matter to me.Remember the time we first kissed?You held my nose—I thought I was going to suffocate.But damn, Asuka, your lips tasted so good!Do you know how much you mean to me?Do you know?Remember the time you went to the hospital--I confessed--"

He stopped himself.The hospital scene flashed before him:

-He was sitting next to Asuka, as the heart monitor beeped slowly.It was after he saw the tears that things started to get dramatic.It was like it was out of a dream.The heart monitor plunged to a straight, horrifying line.The doctors and nurses rushed in.One nurse helped escort him even after he begged to stay.He was being kicked out, like always.He sat outside of Asuka's room.He knew everything that was going on in there.He heard the panic in the voices.He heard the beginning of the end.Misato came up to him, trying to comfort him.But it was too late.He was too far gone.He had seen the hand of death when everyone thought she was out of danger.The only thing he thought of was: 'She might be dead.She might be dead.She might be dead.She might be dead.She might be dead.'-

_ _

He muttered his thought aloud: "It didn't happen.That was just a dream.That wasn't real."

Asuka started laughing.It was horrible laughter, filled with some violent emotion.She wouldn't stop laughing even when Shinji went down on his knees in front of her, begging her to stop laughing.Tears filled her eyes as she began to sob and laugh at the same time.After controlling her sobs and giggles to mere whimpers, Asuka managed to say, "you are so stupid Shinji."

"Asuka, did you ever love me a little, at all?" he painfully asked in a quiet voice.

She laughed cruelly."I never liked you, much less loved you?!Are you so stupid that you thought baka was an endearment?"

"Yes," Shinji replied."When I said I loved you it didn't mean anything to you?What about the second kiss?I knew you felt something.I felt your response, Asuka!Dammit!You kissed me back!What about the video games?You've never looked so happy in your life!You made me love you more.What about after?When we said 'goodnight'?You blushed and called me baka, but it was the flush--it was that that gave me the clue.You call me baka, not only because I am a baka isn't that right Asuka?It's because I'm your miserable baka.You call me baka because you don't want to say anything else--that that might give you away!"

"You are so stupid, my baka Shinji!You are so stupid!All those happy times the last few days?The kisses, the words of love?The moments, the dinner?You are so fucking stupid, baka!They were all in your imagination!"Asuka screamed at him.

"No!"He shook his head in denial."No!NO!NO!"

The space around Asuka changed fromm total blackness to a ghostly, greenish gleam as she seemed to fade away. 

"Where are going, dammit?"Shinji shouted

Her voice was so soft that he almost didn't hear it, "aww, Shinji--you still don't understand, do you?None of this is real." 

The hope he had never felt before surged into his body.None of this was real.None of THIS was real.Asuka did love him.She did love him.She could love him.He wasn't the only one feeling something.He was about to laugh maniacally when he felt himself fall through the black shadow and into the darkness. 

He woke up screaming.He immediately felt arms around him.Misato's comforting arms.

He felt the warmth of her arms before he tried to remember anything from the yesterday.

He was left shuddering.

"It's okay, Shinji.It's okay.You don't have to worry anymore," Misato reassured him as she kissed his forehead.

He had never felt so cold in his life.

"Asuka, she's--" Misato was cut off.

Shinji started screaming from the depths of his soul.He didn't want to hear the inevitable.

He didn't want to hear the dreaded words come out.He wanted to continue believing the impossible.]

"No!No, it's not true.It's not true," he cried out dementedly as he threw his comfoter off of him.

Asuka said nothing, absolutely nothing.Her heart had stopped when he heard the anguish in his voice.Her ear was pressed against the door.Misato was right next to her.The look they shared acknowledged their concern about Shinji.They didn't know how to reach him anymore.The last few days, Shinji had been acting very strangely.He had been havinghaunting dreams that woke him up shuddering and shivering in the morning.

Pen-pen waddled over from the dining room and touched Asuka's leg with his flipper."Wuarggg?"[Translation: What happened this time?]

Asuka aimed to kick the penguin away, but he managed to move quickly enough to use Misato as a shield.Pen-pen looked up at Misato and had a questioning look as he pointed to Shinji's door.Misato shrugged and muttered, "how about I get you and me a beer?"

Pen-pen hurried to the kitchen, very enthused by the idea.Misato followed him after glancing over one more time at Asuka.

Asuka carefully knocked on the door.She didn't hear a response to her polite knocking.She waited a few minutes before abruptly opening the door.The scene that met her eyes didn't totally surprise her, but it still shocked her.

Shinji wasn't crying, but tears still trailed down his cheeks.Asuka touched his shoulder, but he move away like he had been burnt.That hurt Asuka deeply.

"Shinji--"asked Asuka, "can I do anything?"

His reply was complete silence.It was unnerving.

She repeated the question: "Shinji, can I do anything?"

Stillness.No reply.

Asuka grabbed Shinji's shoulders in her strong grip and began to shake him with all her strength."Why won't you speak to me?Why won't you hear me?I want to help you, Shinji!"

The tears stopped.

And his eyes, which had been cast down, opened up wide to meet hers.A strange mixture of emotions were there.She saw he was scared of something; she saw the hopelessness; she saw--she saw the regret.

"What's wrong, Shinji?" Asuka queried in a bright voice.

No answer.

"Why won't you tell me, my baka?" she tried to murmur cheerfully.

He turned his back to her.

That pissed her off.She had been trying everything to help she fumed inside._And this is how he treats me?ME?!Why do I even bother?It's not like he cares that much about me.I'll admit he cares, but he obviously cares more about wallowing up in self-pity thanthan letting me tell him that I know some of what he's going through!I've had awful dreams too.I've had just as much as a crappy life as he has.He's not the only one that has problems.My GOD!!! My mom… _Asuka felt tears forming in her eyes, _she died too, baka.You're mom isn't the one that died.My mom died too…_

_ _

Asuka had never felt such intense anger and sadness at one time.And the only one she had to lash out was--was Shinji.

She screamed,"Get over yourself!"

She left his room with her mind in turmoil.

Shinji thought he was finally able to think about what the dream meant; however, he knew he was never that lucky as his inner voice made a guest appearance.**_Everyone is concerned, Shinji.We care._**

**_ _**

Leave me alone.

_ _

Wow!You dignify me with an answer!I feel so honored!You wouldn't even give a response to the supposed love of your life!Now, why is it that you speak to me--of all the people outside your room that care?Is my presence reassuring, maybe? 

**_ _**

_You heard my thoughts.You saw my dreams.You know better than anyone else what I'm going through.Respect my space, _Shinji said back tiredly as he resumed a shrimplike position on his bed.

**_Ouch!_**

**_ _**

# Can you please be quiet?****

**_ _**

**_Don't you have a question for me?_**His inner voice nagged at him.

# What?Why--why would you know what the dreams mean?Do you know?What do they mean?! Shinji demanded.****

You will have to find that out on your own.I am only here for you to realize one thing and succeed.

_ _

_And what is that?What is that?_Shinji screamed in his head.

His inner voice did not answer, resorting to the silent treatment Shinji had used on Asuka.

Shinji felt so tired and defeated.

_This is like living the nightmare again, _he thought.__

_ _

_ _

_ _

**Author's Note**:I know it's gloomy, but you've got to understand depression and instability (which I do very well).I'm also behind.I may take a break for a week after I write Part 10 to think of how long I want to make it.Currently the outline is sitting on about 4 to 5 more parts.As usual reviewing sometimes (mostly) inspires me, thanks especially to Dave, Kyo, Catch22, purplecow, Worldmage (^_~) and the drunkard: Yebisu Beer.

Side Note:I have finished my CardCaptor Sakura series (but I am planning two sequels) so I will devote at least a few weeks of only NGE.

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	11. Thinking Thoughts

Title:**I Love You, Asuka (10)**

Author:Yih

Revised:January 20, 2001

Edit Major:Worldmage

Dedication:To the following Reviewers- Natari-chan, Ahriman, FierySable, Koaru's revenge, Xenon, Mutronborg, Jia-Tien, purplecow, sky mage, Skull_Leader, Narck Daggon, Dave Ziegler, Yebisu Beer, Rhine, Otaku Queen, catch22, Kyo Tetsuei, Scarlet Fiacchi, and cali-chan. (COME ON KEEP REVIEWING, I KNOW I HAVE READERS!!! **puppy dog eyes** PLEASE…) 

Disclaimer:All rights belong to Gainax.

Part 10: Thinking Thoughts

Shinji lay there, staring up at the ceiling.He didn't move; he only thought.

**_OH NO!He's going to be deep!!?!!Save us all… save us all!!!_**

**_ _**

Shinji didn't have to pretend to ignore his inner voice this time.He didn't even hear the inner voice.He was too caught up in his thoughts.They were whirling in his mind, and he was trying to get some consistency in them.He was trying to straighten them out, so he could begin to contemplate what they meant.

_I'm not sure of anything anymore.What is what?_

_ _

_Does Asuka feel anything for me?Or--is it just another illusion of my imagination?Am I making everything up?Is she really responding to my feelings for her with feelings of her own?Am I making all this up to satisfy my emotional connection to her?So I won't feel so--so disappointed with my miserable existence?_

_ _

_She could feel something, I know it, even if I'm going crazy.I didn't dream that she responded to my kiss.She did.I felt something.But it might not have been me she was craving to touch--it was probably Kaji.And that is something I don't want to even consider._

_ _

_Those dreams, that dream--it didn't even seem entirely coherent.The first one was overwhelming because of a deep sadness.I felt the tears and heard the loud voice.Whose voice?I don't really remember.It might have been me.And then again, it might have been someone else.It was too blurry.In one second everything seemed to shift focus._

_ _

_Suddenly, a dream Asuka was there.And I hope all she said to me was just a dream.I remember her saying distinctly, "I never liked you, much less loved you."_

_ _

_And I remembered my crushed heart.I don't remember what I said to her.But I know I said something to cause a response.But after that, I don't remember.My head and heart both hurt when I think about it.It's like I don't want to remember--remember something important?_

_ _

**_Probably because it causes too much pain, Smart One?_**

**_ _**

I don't know why the dream Asuka hated me.But she hated my guts.She also pitied me.I don't know what kills me more, her hate or her pity.They both drive a knife into my heart.

Straight and True.

And her laugh--if there's one thing I'd like to forget, it's her laugh.It was ugly.It was horrible.It screamed of my worst nightmares.I can still feel the awful reaction I had the first time she expressed her amusement with that terrible laughter; it's all in my memories.It wasn't real.But it was real in my mind. 

And then I think about the last few days.I think about how close I've felt to Asuka.I saw her happy; truly happy.The two kisses were nice; two kisses that we both could enjoy.Shinji smiled at the thought.

**Now THAT is the way to think!**

But there's this nagging feeling that the dream Asuka is right.

**Not THIS again.**

** **

The real Asuka will never love me, much less care for me.She may not hate me.She may not feel anything for me.There is a distinct possibility that she doesn't like me.I don't want to think that.However, that may very well be the case.

**Don't think.Don't think!Whenever you think like this, everything goes wrong!**

"I never liked you, much less loved you!I never liked you, much less loved you!I never liked you, much less loved you!I never liked you, much less loved you!" chanted the imaginary Asuka.

It aches inside to think she doesn't care, that she will never care.But I've got to learn how to accept it.Even if I don't want to.I feel so miserable.Why must I live through this emotional turmoil?Isn't the physical hardship enough,God?Isn't the torture you put on the world around me enough?Why must I feel the defeat that you put into my life every single second?I'm not a bad person!I'm not a bad person!Do you hear me up there?Do you hear me?!!?

God always answers in His own time.

Asuka slid the door to Shinji's room open, not even bothering to knock.She had managed to control her earlier anger and thought calmly, _I will try to be understanding.I promise I won't scream at him.At least, I won't scream at him unless he decides to become that pathetic little boy again._

Shinji rolled over onto his side as he heard the her unmistakable walk; he really didn't want to argue with Asuka again.He was tired, sad, and defeated.He just wanted to be left alone.

Asuka was infuriated by his body movement and, try as she might, she couldn't keep the anger out of her voice as she screamed, "get up!Get up, Shinji!"

He didn't respond.

That only prompted Asuka to shove him to the floor.

He didn't move.He lay on the floor as still as a dead fish.

"We're going on our first date.You're taking me to that German restaurant--RIGHT NOW!"

Shinji looked at her with haunted, glazed-over eyes.Slowly they began to focus on her face."You're not joking?" he croaked.

She smiled with relief."Does it look like I'm joking?"

"I really don't know what you'll do when," Shinji replied resignedly."It doesn't matter anyways.I'm tired.Please go."

Asuka was just as mad at Shinji's tone of voice as she was over his rejection of her.She screamed, "I'm sick and tired of you!Get up!And you are going to take me out!I don't care if you DIE the NEXT DAY.You are GOING to take me OUT!!!Do you understand me?!!?!"

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are!I'm sick of you pitying yourself.It's time you got over yourself!"she shrieked.

Shinji sighed deepily as he tried to control the cruel thoughts, the horrifying nightmares, and the hopelessness of his misery.He managed not to say one word of his feelings over Asuka's treatment of him.He felt immense relief as she gave up staring at his pitiful body and started to leave.

Tell her how you feel.It will help her understand.

_ _

_It would piss her off, _Shinji replied half-heartedly as he sat up.**__**

**_ _**

**_I know what you're thinking, but she DOESN'T, no matter how hard she tries.And you might have missed her caring look.Yes, her caring look.But I saw it.She's TRYING.She really wants to help you.But she doesn't know how.She's not the reachy outty person, ya know.And still she invited you out on a frickin' date and you rejected her.Do you understand that that may very well be the last time she ever speaks to you?You're not the only one feeling bad; that girl has lots of pride.You can see it with every breath she takes!And you crushed it; smacked it down to the ground.And you didn't even explain WHY.Geez, I don't even think I understand you anymore. _**

**_ _**

# Does it matter?

**_ _**

I am supposed to understand all.I am a higher being.

**_ _**

Don't give me that crap.Leave me alone.

**_ _**

**_You're scared she might reject you.I'm right, aren't I?_**

**_ _**

No response.

You can't ever have a person love you unless you're willing to face rejection.

**_ _**

# What would you know?You've been in my mind for 14 years!

**_ _**

**_Chicken's anus._**

**_ _**

"Asuka?"

There you go.Keep talking.She's almost out the door--almost out of your reach.Don't let her go.You need her--almost as much as she needs you.

She turned around.

**_Oh yeah!Oh yeah!Slam dunk for Shinji!_**

"I'm sorry."

Geez, she's gonna blast him.

She blinked."Don't be sorry.Tell me what's wrong."

Damn, Shinji!That was way better than what I expected from the likes of her.I mean, usually she just blasts at you, at me.She even scares me in her BESERK mode.You also scare me in that mode.Don't go freaky on me right know, okay?You've got the girl, Shinji.

**_ _**

Shinji had been ignoring the voice for the past few seconds.Or, at least, he tried to.It seemed whenever he actually talked to the voice, time slowed down.**__**

**_ _**

**_Haven't I told you, YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME!!!!And the explanation to that is because my thoughts coincide yours, so when you hear me as I think and I hear you when you think.Cool, huh?_**

Shinji wanted to roll his eyes, but instead gulped nervously as he finally admitted to Asuka, "I think--I think it's just worthless."

**_Where did this come from?_**

There was a remarkably blank look on Asuka's face."What?"

**_Yeah, WHAT?_**

"Pursuing you and me."

Dumbo.

"Why?Why do you think that?"Asuka demanded.**__**

Shinji was taken by surprise that she wasn't pulverizing him or screaming at him.That fact also startled his inner voice.**_I guess she doesn't hate you as you seem to think._**__

_ _

"Because--because it's too hard.You always reject me.You even reject me in my sleep.My dreams--my nightmares, they mean something.First, you weren't there for some reason.And then, you were there telling me, screaming at me that all those moments we just had that were so happy--they didn't mean anything.I can't take real rejection.I can't take rejections when I'm asleep.It feels like I'm going nuts.I can't tell what's what.And--and in the nightmare, you told me--you told me, 'I never liked you, much less loved you.'

"The only thing I want in this world is you, Asuka.Is that too much to ask?And the only thing--I UNDERSTAND: is this… you mean everything to me, but you obviously don't care or like me enough.So please stop this teasing game of yours--I can't handle it."

Asuka stood there, slowly soaking up his words.She had never thought he'd just drop it.It had never occurred to her that he'd give her up because he couldn't handle it.She didn't want him to do that.She hesitated before exclaiming, "I--I do like you enough."

Shinji had never thought she would say that.He was almost wished she would slap him, so he knew he wasn't dreaming.He felt his legs go numb.Actually, he felt his whole body go numb.

**_Go Shinji!Go Shinji!You gotta lil confession out of her!My recommendations have really been working.You can start paying me back by going to that German restaurant and ordering me a delectable dessert, got it?I'd really like chocolate mousse, actually anything chocolate would be good._**

**_ _**

You didn't really do anything.

_ _

**_I didn't do anything?I am the reason you even got her to say 'I--I do like you enough', so don't give me your mumbo jumbo about me not helping you out.After all, it's my job, _**the inner voice stated.

# It is?So when you accomplish it, will you leave me alone?

_ _

I've always been here and why the hell would I want to go back to being a dormant personality?It's lonely in your mind.And you've got AWFUL musical taste.

**_ _**

Shinji gave Asuka a small smile as he mentally beat up on his inner voice."How about I take you out?"

"I'm going to make you pay," Asuka remarked with a slightly sinister grin.

And Shinji knew Misato was going to kill him as he grabbed her credit card.Asuka proceeded to pull him out of the apartment.

Misato and Pen-pen watched two blurred images pass before them before drinking another mouthful of beer.Misato finally managed to recognize the flash of silver and mumbled, "was that a credit card?"

Pen-pen nodded as he plopped his body on the table.

"THAT WAS MY CREDIT CARD?"

_No need to be that loud, baby.I can hear you just fine, _Pen-pen moaned in his mind._I'm not dead.I'm--I'm just--just really drunk._

_ _

Soliloquy & Tribute to Pen-pen

_I may be Shinji's inner voice (IV), but it's pretty obvious I'm not as much of a chicken as he is.Nor am I nearly as much introverted as he is.I'm extroverted, REALLY extroverted.I talk a lot; I can't seem to stop talking.It's not like I can help it; it's just my personality.How I got to be so much different from Shinji, I really don't know.Okay, why do I talk so much?I know it gets annoying, but I like hearing what Shinji thinks of my thoughts.I mean his thoughts--I mean my thoughts, our thoughts.Ya, our thoughts.I got that down, let's move right on with more reasons why me, his IV is much cooler than Shinji.I'm not a chicken's anus or ass.OKAY!I'll admit I'm must as scared of Asuka as Shinji is.But Asuka is damn right scary when she gets pissed because she acts pissy!I believe that sort of fear is justifiable in even a boy like Shinji.Another thing is: Shinji stinks with his preferences in the OPPOSITE sex.I still don't get why he's attracted to Asuka or even Ayanami Rei for the matter.I just don't get why he's so attracted to those two fellow pilots of his.There's really nothing that spectacular about them.I mean sure, Asuka's gorgeous and Rei's got that motherly look.It's nothing to go all goo-goo over.Not that I can relate to his sexual drive or urge feelings.I AM A HIGHER BEING.I'm above physical sensation.YES, I know I don't have a physical body--so how can I feel?Well I'm an IV, key word is "inner".Shinji feels; I feel.My emotional tug-of-war with Shinji gets me just as depressed as he is.I'd rather be in his mind than Asuka or Rei, though.Asuka SUPPRESSES too much, and she's got really deep problems I certainly don't wanna suffer through.Rei, she FREAKS me out.And, like I said before, he likes the messed up chicks for no good reason.Looks aren't everything.Well, they are to guys, but Shinji should be above that.And if he's got to be taken by a CHICK, at least he should get the babe.The babe is absolutely, without a doubt: Misato.I can understand liking, admiring, salivating, obsessing, or even loving her.She's relatively normal, if there is a normal.And man, I envy that penguin.That Pen-pen's got everything.The flashy red eyebrows, the high alcohol intake, the FABULOUS babe, the specially-made tux, and--and he's got those wings that don't fly.I WANT those wings.But NO!I got to be stuck in Ikari Shinji's mind without any look at all, without any clothes, and without those cool flightless wings!Anyway, back to the point: nothing fazes that pen-guiny dude.He's the funniest little guy I've ever seen.I think Pen-pen's got the whole package.I'd love to be inside his mind because I believe that he might be having the most fun in this screwy world.And that's saying something._

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _

**Author's Note**:Now, since I MAY (I might though) NOT get Part 11 out on time (it may take 2 or 3 weeks), I've written a bonus scene (obviously Shinji's IV's soliloquy).It adds up to 2,500+, so it's a thorough read.I'm really sorry, but SATs are coming up and I won't get my Friday and Saturday writing time.The only reason I've been relatively on schedule with ILYA is because Christmas helped me be two Parts ahead in the beginning of January; it's gradually dwindle down that I'm now writing the Part I'm going to post the weekend before (use to be two weekends ahead) grrrrrrrrrrrr.Partly my fault, but this part explains a lot.Enjoy.

Side Note:If you like the soliloquy, that's how my new series will sort of be like.^_^ (humorous).

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	12. First Date

Title: **I Love You, Asuka (11)**

Author: Yih

Edit Major: Worldmage (you said oye, 'oy' ^_^)

Dedication: I got this idea reading some fanfics and it was a great idea!Below are some of the best things my readers have ever told me!

Worldmage- Again the poetry adds to the effect of the fic, and even the lack of freaky-fonts helps. Shades of "Komm, suesser Tod". Again, the prose could use work. So what's new; the content is still riveting. Very IC, very artistic.

Cook- I like your series.Your character development is exceptional.The bits of humor you inject help to lighten the mood just enough so that the reader isn't hurled into a depressive, catatonic state by the emotionally charged nature of the rest of the story.Keep writing.

Skull_Leader- whoa… that's some deep stuff.Shinji isn't the only one confused.I can't tell what is his dream and what is his reality anymore.

Dave Ziegler- Well, that a total 180 degree turn about of mood.I think you might be better served by maintaining a more balanced tone from chapter to chapter, or working up a gradual progression.

Kyo Tetsuei- This one's an eye-opener.

Disclaimer: All rights are exclusively Gainax, Inc.

Part 11: First Date

Shinji wasn't sure if he should take Asuka's hand or not.He really wanted to, but then again he didn't want to start off their first date in the wrong way.He nearly touched her hand; he was about an inch away.He finally decided, I better not.I want to make this last as long as it possibly can.I'd like to spend an eternity just walking with her.It feels so companionable.I don't feel alone anymore.

**I'd like to see some action sometime soon, though.**

** **

"Shinji?" Asuka asked sharply, breaking Shinji's thoughts.

"Yeah?"

She stopped walking abruptly."Do you know where the restaurant is?"

He tried not to panic."I thought you knew the location?"

Asuka let out a huge sigh."I know it's a few blocks away from the video arcade.I know we passed the restaurant somewhere along the way.That's all I know.But I know I can find it!"

"Lead on, Asuka-chan," Shinji responded, smiling.

Asuka grinned and grabbed his hand.Shinji couldn't wait for her to start pulling him along as he thought, this is what I love doing.I love being with her.

Asuka dragged Shinji several blocks in the direction of the video arcade before she stopped again.Shinji barely avoided knocking into Asuka's back.He wouldn't have minded if he had, either.He was about to ask her what was wrong when she cried out, "HA!Didn't I tell you I'd find it?"

Shinji squinted and saw a beautiful sign: Der Mond

"I never doubted you for a second," Shinji conceded to Asuka.

Asuka dazzled Shinji with a smile."Of course not!I'm not the great Second Child for nothing you know!"

**You don't need to give her an ego trip, **his inner voice reminded him.

"Asuka, how about we go into the restaurant?" Shinji gestured.

Asuka scanned the traffic, then ran as gracefully as a deer across the street, pulling Shinji with her.They entered the restaurant, and the maître d' of the restaurant asked them, "a dinner for two?"

Asuka nodded."Yes."

"Perfect!We have just the right table for two romantics this evening!It is right over there, near the balcony," the maître d' glanced meaningfully at Shinji."It is a very private spot.Is this an anniversary?"

Asuka coughed and when she caught the waiter's attention, she answered the his question."Actually, it's our first date."

"The young gentleman has excellent tastes," the maître d' commended Shinji.

Asuka hit Shinji with her elbow."Actually, Asuka was the one who chose this fabulous restaurant."

"Aww… the mademoiselle has beautiful taste, does she not?" the maître d' queried.

Shinji smiled."She is beautiful."

Asuka was glowing.

"Shall I escort you to your table?"

They both nodded.

When they both were seated and the menus handed to them, Shinji swiftly ordered Asuka's favorite dish, not knowing precisely why he knew it.He told the waiter he would also have the same order.

After the waiter departed Asuka asked, "why did you tell the waiter that?"

Shinji didn't have any idea what she was talking about."Uh uh what?"

She rolled her eyes."The order."

"I don't know.I just knew," Shinji said simply.

Asuka laughed and questioned him, "are you sure you'll be able to eat the food?"

"Is it that bad?"

"It's nothing like the food you like," she said pointedly.

Shinji made it look like he was thinking hard before he replied, "I'm sure I'll like what you like."

She made a point of rolling her eyes.She thought to herself, I just hope Shinji won't gag when he tastes it for the first time.It is flavored very strongly in comparison to the Japanese foods.

Shinji was beginning to get worried when Asuka suddenly sent a dazzling smile his way.Oh no!What have I gotten myself into?What exactly is in the dish she likes?I don't want to make a fool of myself on my first date with her.Later would be better, but why now?

**You had it coming.**

** **

"Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know the one thing I hate about this date?"Asuka asked, with a teasing glint in her eyes.

Shinji started to panic.Oh no!What could this be about?I can't take the suspense.Why won't she just say something.What is so wrong with the date?I thought she'd like it.Maybe it's me.

**Calm down!**

** **

I'm calm.I'm calm!

"No…" Shinji replied lamely.

"I hate that I had to ask you out," Asuka replied with a smile on her lips."I mean you're the one obsessed with me, not the other way around."

Shinji swallowed all his remaining saliva.He really didn't know what she was leading to.He didn't think he wanted to know if it was bad.He didn't need to hear any more bad sensations tonight.He had had his fill of nightmares.

"So, next time you want to take me out, I'm going to make you get down on your knees and beg me.And even then, I might even say no if you don't beg well enough!" Asuka continued, her smile turning smug.

Shinji felt an euphoric sense of peace pass over him.He could only flash her a brilliant smile and murmured joyously, "got it, Asuka-chan."

It definitely wasn't the response that Asuka thought she would get out of him.Well, that still suits the situation just fine.I don't want him to think that I'm easy or I'm the one obsessed with him.I mean--I'm Soryu Asuka Langley!

"Do you have anything else to say?Anything else to ask?" 

Shinji stood up from his seat.

**What are you doing Shinji?She's giving you a damn clear hint!**

** **

He pushed his chair in slowly.

What the hell is he doing,Asuka thought.I thought I was pretty clear.Shinji can be such a Dummkopf!

Shinji's voice interrupted her thoughts: "will you go out with me,again?"

Asuka's eyes focused on Shinji and found him on his knees.The only clue that this was her Shinji was the nervous smile he shot at her.She wanted to laugh; she settled for a grin."I wasn't serious, you know," she finally told him.

"I am."

A blank look surfaced on Asuka's face.

"You haven't answered my question," Shinji clarified.

Asuka rolled her eyes a second time before responding, "where will you be taking me?"

Shinji shook his head.

"Well then, I'm not telling you an answer 'til you come up with a place.And get off the floor, you look even more like an idiot!"Asuka said with exasperation.

Shinji's smile turned into a grin of pleasure.He stood up with ease and sat down in his chair.It turned out to be perfect timing as the maître d' returned with the meal and the drinks in his possession.

"But I'm your baka?" Shinji asked hopefully.I don't mind being a baka--as long as I'm her baka.

**This, that, make up your mind!**

** **

"You are MY baka," Asuka stated clearly.

The maître d' shot them a funny look as he served them their dinner.He still had the funny look on his face as he said, "mahlzeit!"

Shinji stared at the strange food on his plate with slight hesistation as Asuka dug into her meal with much gusto.This certainly doesn't look like anything I've eaten before.The appearance doesn't look entirely displeasing.He noticed that Asuka was digging into her meal, I should probably start eating right now.

**Stop yapping and start eating!**

** **

He picked up his chopsticks when Asuka suggested, "I would recommend using a fork.It's just easier to cut the the sausage that way."

He put down his chopsticks and grabbed the fork.He cut a part of the funky looking meat and slipped the slice into his mouth.He chewed it and swallowed.His first thought was: that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.A little strong in taste, but I don't actually think it tastes bad.It could have tasted a lot worse.

"That wasn't so bad," Shinji said aloud."I think I like this."

Asuka raised her eyebrow and responded, "that wasn't the food I was worried about you being able to eat."She pointed to the Bierbraten."That is what I don't think you'll be able to eat, the Sauerkraut."

Shinji stuffed a piece of it into his mouth in defiance.He had thought that the meat was heavily flavored, but this was worse.He gagged and barely managed to swallow it.He couldn't believe that Asuka had eaten that so easily!She had been eating it as if it was candy!That is certainly something I don't want to try again, he thought with chagrin.

Asuka burst out laughing.She wished that he could seen the flush that was on his face after he had swallowed the Sauerkraut.It was hilarious!But, she thought, I should have warned him more.I mean, I've been eating this food since I was a baby.I'm used to the flavor.Japanese food is somewhat bland especially compared to German food.

She smiled at Shinji as he started cutting the Bierbraten again.At least there is something on that plate he can eat, she thought with amusement.She signaled the waiter to the table and whispered a command in German, ""Herr Kellner, wir möchten bitte zwei Stücke Schwartzwälderkirschtorte"

Shinji looked at her with slight dread when he heard her speak German.What did she just say?

**I think she just ordered something.Let it be chocolate!Let it be chocolate!**

That was the most sensible thing that thing has said for the last few hours, Shinji thought personally.

He was about to ask Asuka what she had just said when she answered his upcoming question before he could say it, "I ordered dessert.It's very delicious.I just hope that it halfway decent because it's made here in Japan."

Dessert has sugar and sugar is good, Shinji chanted mentally.

When Shinji closed his eyes to chant, Asuka thought that she had made a mistake by trying to order something that Shinji had a 99% chance of liking.And I was trying to be nice for once.

"I'm sure it will be fine," Shinji assured her after he had finishing reassuring himself.

Asuka smiled."It's my favorite dessert!It's even better than pure dark chocolate!"

Oh great.I don't even like her favorite dish of German food, he thought.But it has sugar in it; how bad could it be?

**It isn't chocolate?Awww… I want CHOCOLATE!**

** **

A different waiter came up to them and queried, "are you done?Ready for dessert?"

Asuka nodded."We already ordered, but please clear away the dishes."

"Would you like me to put the leftovers in a doggy bag?"

Shinji couldn't stop himself from shaking his head a definite 'no.'Asuka chuckled as she told the waiter in a soft voice, "Seine ersten Deutschen Mahlzeit gefällt ihm nicht so gut."

The waiter smiled and carried the dishes away.

Shinji's head bowed down when he heard Asuka speak in German to the waiter.She was probably insulting me, he thought with dejection.I can't seem to ever do anything right around her.I screw up every chance that she gives me miserably!Why can't I do anything right?I'd really like to show her something other than the baka…

**No need to get depressed now.**

** **

What do you know?You don't even have a sex!

Asuka turned back with a smile on her face.She found Shinji in a position of crying or frustration.His shoulders aren't shaking, she noted, and his hands aren't moving with aggravation.So he must be thinking again.I guess that's what I should expect for a introvert like Shinji.But STILL--Shinji can't ruin this date!If anything I should be the one destroying it!

She cleared her throat loudly."Shinji!"

He didn't even hear me, she thought with a scowl.This had better be good!

"SHINJI!"

"Waah?"Shinji murmured in surprise.

Asuka narrowed her eyes as she said sharply, "would you like to tell me what you're thinking about?"

There is no way I'm telling her what I'm thinking about.It would only make me feel like more of an idiot, Shinji thought."I wasn't thinking about anything."

"Ikari Shinji!Not only do I see you everyday; I also happen to live with you!I know when you're thinking or when you're not!" exclaimed Asuka with vexation.

Asuka was prevented from saying more when a waitress arrived with the Schwartzwälderkirschtorte.Asuka smiled with delight as she took her knife and cut a piece.She then remembered that she was also slightly annoyed with Shinji and muttered, "can you at least not be such a baka and just eat the cake?It's really good; even you can swallow it!"

**Can you stop pitying yourself, pul-leez?Don't you realize that she doesn't think what you thought about yourself?**

"Asuka?"

She stared at him with an expression of 'I'm getting annoyed now.'

"I was distracted."

She blinked and was about to narrow her eyes again when he continued, "I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you are today."

Asuka didn't think that was all that he had been thinking about.If he even was thinking that, she thought.But she didn't press the issue because of the sincerity in his voice, and she felt her cheeks warm up at the compliment."Next time, don't be too embarassed when you tell me, okay?"

Shinji blushed and nodded.He picked up a fork and scooped up a small bite.He opened his mouth and immediately savor the sweetness.It was rich, and quite unlike anything he had ever tasted before. But he liked it.He ate an even larger second bite, and before he knew it he had finished the cake.

"Wasn't that bad, was it?"

**Yum yum!**

** **

"No," murmured Shinji with a grin.

Asuka smirked at the fact she was right, as always.A few minutes of silence followed as the remaining dishes were cleared and the bill was brought.She saw the look on Shinji's face when he saw the total, her only thought was, Misato is going to kill us.

MISATO IS GOING TO KILL ME!Shinji thought with slight panic.

**Oh!But that cake was worth every stinking yen.**

Shinji sighed as he handed the credit card to the waiter.He really wanted to sink into the Earth right now; he didn't even know that Misato could afford this.Too bad Eva pilots don't get an all expenses paid life, he thought glumly.

"Shinji?"

Asuka had been thinking while Shinji looked petrified.Well, if we're going to be in trouble with Misato, we might as well have an all nighter.We're probably going to be given tons of chores and made miserable, but I've got an idea…

"SHINJI?"asked Asuka again with growing impatience.

"Yes, Asuka-chan?"

"Does that credit card still have some money on it?"

Shinji looked at the plastic card."I think so."

Asuka smiled a sweet but calculating smile."Great, I've got a wonderful idea!"

Side Notes: 

_Herr Kellner, wir möchten bitte zwei Stücke Schwartzwälderkirschtorte- _Asuka told the waiter she's ordering two pieces of a type of cake.

_Seine ersten Deutschen Mahlzeit gef__ällt ihm nicht so gut.- _Asuka said that Shinji doesn't enjoy his first taste of German food very well.

_Mahlzeit- _Enjoy your food!

**Author's Note**:Yeah, I know this is out late… but I really had no stinking ideas for this date and it's probably really crappy, but it's long so it should satisfy you guys.I planned to release this last week; however, I got set back.This part is like missing half of the outline for it, but I didn't think the restaurant would last 2,500+ words.So the least you guys could do is bring a smile to my face and tell me what you think of this addition, it really doesn't take much time!-_-'Get me excited… Interim term and spring break are coming up soon!=)Lots of time for writing… (hint hint) 

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	13. Experiencing the Unknown

Title:**I Love You, Asuka (12)**

Author:Yih

Written:February 2001

Edit Major:Worldmage (you are great!Keep it up!Of all my readers, you probably understand what's coming better than anyone!)

Dedication:Some more reviews that I especially like reading.Oh, I guess Part 11 was either you liked the moment or you hated it -_-'

Mutronburg- hey guy! Keep this up, i usually only come onto fanfiction.net just for this fic, a little short part but good. Its is quite confusing but thats a good thing!

Rhine- That went better than expected! It's good to focus on one thing at time, that being the time at the restaurant and not gives us the rest of the date to look forward to. I'm beginning to get a little concerned about the voice in Shinji's head. It seems to be more a different personality than an aspect of the self. And none of my voices go that nuts over chocolate... but then again, some of them don't even speak English, so I may be wrong. :) A very nice installment.

Dave Ziegler- Well, that was basically on par with the other chapters. Asuka and Shinji remain basically IC, with hints of their personal development flowering. Shinji shivering at every german utterance of Asuka was cute, too. In the one scene you mention Asuka "gracefully running across the street" or something similar: I just want to suggest that 'gracefully' might not fit in with Asuka's personality so much. She seems more of a thundering, chugging locomotive (a constant burst of pure energy)than anything that might come across in a typically graceful fashion. At least when she is running and hauling Shinji behind her, that is. I'm still wondering what the IV is up to, and hope you start revealing hints about that soon. As always, hope this helps.

Disclaimer:All rights are Gainax, except Shinji's IV (Hehe).

Part 12: Experiencing the Unknown

For some reason, I'm not terrified, Shinji thought with amazement as he heard Asuka's exclamation.Even though I should be.I have no idea what Asuka is planning.It could be something very very bad.Or then again it could be something very very good.I hope it's good.

"What's the idea?" asked Shinji hesitantly.

Asuka's smile turned into a grin as she said slowly, making sure to enunciate each word carefully, "I'm--bored--Shinji."

"Err?"Shinji said nervously.

I'm not going to panic.I'm not going to panic.He wasn't panicking; he was actually getting excited.

"Want to go to the park?"

Shinji choked on air.I wasn't thinking she would say that.

**Are you relieved or disappointed?**

** **

Disappointed.

He felt his inner voice snicker at him.

Asuka laughed as she shook her head disapprovingly."Now isn't the time to get all worked up, Shinji-kun.Wait until we get to the park!Besides, where did you think we were going?There's practically nothing else to do at night in this town.I just thought we'd spend some QUALITY TIME together, okay?"

Shinji nodded.

"Let's go," yelled Asuka, running toward the nearby park.

Shinji followed her, breaking into a run to keep up with her.

**Wow!Look at her legs.Man--**

** **

Geez, you're a pervert!

**No, but she has legs.Or haven't you noticed?**

** **

Trying not to, Shinji thought.And I'm failing miserably.

When Shinji finally got to the park, Asuka was sitting on a bench with an unusual smile on her face.He wondered what she was thinking.He wanted to say something to her, anything at all.But he didn't know what he should say to her.He'd already told her he loved her many times, and she had rejected him each time.The last time hadn't been so bad.At least she said she liked me, Shinji thought with a sigh.

Asuka turned to face Shinji as he sat down beside her.She studied his face intently; she knew his face better than she knew her own.Probably because I see him so often.I wonder what Shinji's thinking.He's always thinking.He certainly wasn't what I first thought he was going to be.He was a wimp when I first met him—no--No… he was a scared boy.Now, he's not so scared, and it scares me.I feel something for him.But how can I tell him?

I shouldn't have told Asuka how I felt when she rejected me.I have no right to force my love on her.I mean, she deserves so much better than me.She's so beautiful.And now, I know that she's not the person I feared, but a person I love.I've already told her I loved her multiple times.I've thought how to tell her I love her, many more times.But she doesn't love me.And it hurts so much.

**Wait a minute!You're not going through those doubts of yours again, especially when we just made progress this afternoon!And the dinner-- it was perfect.You two are finally getting comfortable with liking each other!I will not have you two cooling off now!**

** **

**I can't believe you two haven't had at least one serious make out session by now!**

** **

Shinji couldn't help himself.He had to laugh.His morose thoughts fleeing from his mind like the dust that was unsettled by minimal movement.Everything negative, every rejection, every hurt, every pain was gone.They drifted from him; the dust clogging the progress--vanished.He didn't think about anything at all, except who was there in front of him--Asuka.He cupped her face with his warm hand and murmured his sudden idea, "I'm bored, Asuka.Want to kiss?"

Oh, God.Oh God!What should I say? Asuka thought in a rush."Yes!"

They moved at the same moment.Their lips met in perfect harmony.The air was ever so still around them.The only sound either of them heard was a roaring of liquid fire.From the soothing warmth, they rose to a raging heat.They both felt a beautiful connection as their tongues touched, hesitantly.As fiery as the kiss was, it rivaled the red scorch of desire with a pure white emotion of innocence.The kiss was about discovering a mutual emotion, a feeling that both of them felt.And in the discovery, the naiveté of not knowing what was there--the unmistakable bond, disappeared.

When the kiss ended, neither of them said anything.They stared into each other's eyes, the kiss had touched a part of each to the other.The kiss had been more than a physical thing.It had been spiritual.They had poured untold emotions into it.A kiss that would always be remembered.Instinctively they reached for each other's hands.The need to be connected overrode all else.They felt each other, and they knew the kiss had been real.

Asuka finally whispered, breaking the seemingly endless silence, "I think we'd better go home."

Shinji smiled and stood.The sensation that they were linked remained even when they released each other's hand.They walked side by side to Misato's apartment.Neither of them spoke a word.It didn't seem necessary.They had somehow bonded in an unknown way through the kiss.Both were content to think carefully about what had happen before rushing into a conclusion.

A question was still eating at Shinji, even though the kiss had exploded into a heaven he'd never thought he could experience.He needed to ask it.He didn't wish to break up the companionable silence, but he needed to ask.

"Asuka?"

She stopped walking and looked at him with a question.

"Truth," Shinji said then paused, "do you love me?"

She didn't meet his eyes."I don't know."

Heaven was sinking back to earth.

"Asuka?"

She gazed up at him.

"Can you tell me why you don't know?"

She shook her head.

"Please…" Shinji begged."I need…"

She turned away from him.The wind caressed her hair and pulled at his.She said nothing for several minutes before she breathed out heavily and started talking."You've always been the scared little boy.But one day you just woke up, and you're not that scared little boy anymore.I don't know what you are.I know you're not scared anymore.But other than that, I can't describe what has happened to you.You're different.

"When you woke up from those--dreams?No, nightmares--your eyes have seen something no one else has.It causes a feeling inside of me, a dread.I think they're important, somehow.You've got to understand them, then maybe you will become what you should.But now, you're stuck in between.And I don't know if I can love something that--that may change the next day."

The revelation had appeared like an epiphany to Asuka at that moment.She didn't know why she said what she said, it had just happened.But she knew that what she said was true.Every word of it meant something.It was a message to Shinji from her heart.

Shinji nodded sadly. "I don't know what happened to me either.I just woke up, and I started acting different.It has to be the dreams.They're just horrible.Not in a violent way, but in a sad way, so incredibly sad.I--I don't want to know what the dreams are about.Because I know it has to be something bad."

A tear fell down Shinji's cheek as he relived his haunting dream."It's always the same," he murmured."I always cry.Misato tries to cheer up up, but… I just wanted you."

Asuka stopped walking.

She turned around and stared at him for a few seconds.She didn't need to voice her understanding, it was written in her eyes.He could see everything about her.He saw a deep hidden pain inside of her.He wanted to destroy the walls he saw spring up around the hurt when she saw her eyes reflected off his.He wanted to know everything about her and heal her.He needed her.

He started walking.

He needed to distract her from the painful memories he saw in her eyes."Do you believe in God, Asuka?"

"Yes."

"Why?" he queried, slightly surprised.

"Because of the Angels.The Angels are the proof," she muttered.

Shinji shrugged, but a smile was beginning to turn up his lips."Why do you think he sent them?To punish us?Or what?"

"To teach us, but more than anything to show us the stupidity of trying to be Him," she retorted impatiently.

Shinji started laughing.

Asuka shot him a sharp look that screamed 'what the fuck is so funny?'But he couldn't stop laughing long enough to explain to her why he was laughing.Asuka really didn't see what was so hilarious.I think he's really lost it this time.Yup, she affirmed when she saw him about to burst into another spurt of laughter, he's definitely lost it this time.

Shinji took several deep breaths before he explained himself, "I asked the question because it was supposed to take the edge off the sorrowful mood I started by talking about those stupid dreams.But you were taking it so seriously and you got angry, it was something I needed.I'm not alone in this world.I've got you.You understand how screwed up this is."

Asuka shook her head."You ARE weird."

Shinji nodded with a grin, a strange confidence taking over him."But you like me anyway, don't you?"

She rolled her eyes."You're pushing your luck, Ikari Shinji!"

Shinji rested his hands on her shoulders and pulled her to him.Before he leaned down to gently brush a kiss on her lips, he whispered to her, "I love you, no matter what."

She shoved him from her in a careless motion, trying to calm her overexcited nerves.She exclaimed, "we're almost home, Shinji."

Asuka started walking faster, and Shinji kept his place, right next to her.When they finally arrived at Misato's apartment, they found that Misato wasn't home.Pen-pen had already decided it was time to retire, and was found sleeping in his cozy fridge, next to the fridge that kept the food.Eventually they found a note from Misato.It basically said that Misato was going out with Kaji.

Shinji watched Asuka read the note out loud to him, and he held his breath.Usually by this time, her face turned red and she stormed off to her room.But this time was different.She dropped the note in the garbage and turned to him, asking, "so, what do you want to do?"

He hadn't been expecting that.

"I don't know."

"Let's go to your room.My room will probably make you keel over with a nosebleed," she said with a smirk.

Shinji just nodded and followed Asuka into his room.He was still standing by his doorway not knowing what to do when Asuka asked sharply, "are you just going to hang out by the doorway all night?Sit down on the bed next to me."

He sat down on the bed next to her.And they did nothing.They stared at each other for a long time.He didn't mind it actually.He could stare at Asuka's face forever and never get bored.It's because she's always changing, just a small part, but she's never the same.She's so different now than from what she once was.She's not nicer, she's more open to me.I like it.I love her.I just wish she'd love me.

Shinji didn't know but as he was thinking he had instinctively moved closer to Asuka.He was so close that he could feel Asuka breathing on him.He tilted his head, and she tilted hers.They shared their second kiss of the night.This one wasn't as long, but it was just as sweet.When they broke from the kiss, neither of them said anything.It seemed that enough have been done today.It was time to rest.

They lied down on Shinji's bed, and both of them stared into each other's eyes until they fell asleep.It had been a long day and night.

But I still don't want this day to end, Shinji thought.He opened his eyes when he thought that Asuka had finally fallen asleep.He leaned toward her and pressed a wet kiss on her forehead.He whispered into her ear, "sweet dreams."

And he slowly feel asleep.

**Author's Note**:Okay.I've got one more part to do before things start really picking up.Have you notice that the last 8,000 words have been one day?Actually (I'll have to go back and read my fic) because I believe that only 3-4 days have actually passed since the beginning, isn't that amazing?I've kept things rolling like that in such little time.Oh, for you people who believe this stinks, guess what?I have at least 5 more parts to go!So more crappy stuff to come!Oh I might pick this up to a weekly level again, but then again I'm starting 2 new series and it's so hard to promote new series.But my Dark Angel fic Project R is getting 10+ review in the first chapter (which was incredibly short), so that's doing well.CCS fic, Reminiscent is on part 2, it's doing okay, has my smallest readership but I've gotten some reviews (excited cuz this is pretty weird)!Yeah!I released way too much this week, 4 things about 7,000 words, but I'm really pumped about my new series!

I hope you enjoy this because I enjoyed writing this (I'm so happy!)… can you guess what was coming next?

P.S. For people who think I over did the kiss- I was in a WAFFist mood when I wrote it, so there!(Falalala)^_^

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	14. Distressing Dreams

Title: **I Love You, Asuka (13)**

Author: Yih

Written: March 2001

Edit Major:Worldmage

Dedication: To the following Reviewers- Epyon Zero, Emma, Anne O. Nimus, Ahriman, Lixia, Akiko Chan, Gray Milburn, Hot Shot, Skull_Leader, sky mage, catch22, OrgunZ, purplecow, Mutronborg, Rhine, Narck Death, Kyo Tetsuei, and TorakusuGohan.

**Review if you want more.**

Disclaimer: All rights are Gainax except ACC- Shinji's IV. 

Side Note: (vs 2.1)This has been edited by Worldmage!Which makes it, somewhat better grammatically.^_~

Part 13: Distressing Dreams

[He opened his weary eyes.

"Where am I?" he whispered hoarsely.

He tried to focus his bloodshot eyes on something.But all he saw was the surrounding darkness.It was several moments before he was finally able to make out the shadowy walls surrounding him.He knew he wasn't where he usually was.

Because for the first time he didn't hear Misato calling out for him.

Where is she?Where am I?What am I doing here?Where is "here"?

A dark shadow seemed to fall over the blackness of the room.The shadowy figure move toward him with almost a mechanical motion.He wanted to get away, but he couldn't.He didn't know why but he was stuck here.All he knew that the darker figure was getting closer to him.

He wanted to ask the figure a question: Who are you?

He felt a sting of pain as the darker figure came within arm length's reach of him.He felt his eyes closing with a sudden weariness.The darkness fell upon him.

There's something wrong here.

He tried to fight the inevitable.

It's all around me.I can't escape it…

Before he knew it, he was in a place of startling white, a sharp contrast to the darkened room he had previously occupied.His eyes tried to adjust itself from the dazzling light by squinting.It took a while, but he managed to make out a pale figure moving to him.He wondered for a brief second who it was, but then he knew instantly who it was: it was Asuka.

She is Asuka.But she isn't Asuka.Who is this Asuka?

The outside resemblance was there.She looked like Asuka, but she didn't radiate the energy of his Asuka.She seemed too weak, too pale, too breakable, too fragile to be his Asuka. 

Who is she?

She moved closer toward him, her thin as rail arms reaching to him.

"Help me, Shinji…help me…"her voice was filled with acute sadness.

This isn't Asuka.Asuka would never request help from me.But her voice is so real.It sounds like Asuka, but then again--how do I know it's Asuka?I've never heard this side of her.Why am I caught in this place?Is this reality or is this just my fears?

I don't know… I don't know… I'm so confused…

"Help me… Shinji--please," she implored, looking at him so plaintively.

He felt a keen sense of indecision.How could he help her if he didn't know what was real?

**Reality bites, doesn't it?**

** **

He had never heard his inner voice in his dreams, so did this mean this was reality?Was Asuka really sick and dying like this feeble version of her?Why didn't he know for sure?

**In time, everything will be clarified.You just need to believe in yourself.**

** **

He felt an insane urge to laugh.He didn't believe in himself.He never knew what to do.And his inner voice certainly wasn't helping the situation.But it was mainly his fault, not the stupid voice in his head.

And didn't the last few days prove it?My total indecision nearly lost me Asuka.I'm a moron, a screw-up--

"Help me!" she screamed at him.

He refocused his gaze onto the sickened Asuka.He grabbed her by the shoulders and began to shake her violently."Who are you?Why are you tormenting me in my dreams?What do you want with me?WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Her eyes widened in surprise.Then she looked down to the ground without saying anything.He actually saw what was left of her energy seeping out of her, creating a grey hole beneath her.Then she started to fade into a greyish gloom.She knew she had no right to ask this of him yet.It wasn't the right time.He needed more time to adjust to the changes in his life.

"No!You are not disappearing again!You vanished last time into that stinking green light!You are not going again!I want answers.I WANT ANSWERS!Do you hear me?You came here wanting help, and I will help you, but I want ANSWERS!Why are you here?Why must you haunt me in my dreams?Do you not want me?Was everything the past 3 days just some kind of joke?

"Did I dream all this up?I remember what the last Asuka said… she was nothing like you, but you must be the same person.Because you both are Asuka!Are you like my inner voices trying to communicate with Asuka but she won't let you?You're trying to tell her to deny me, but she won't so you've found a way to make me suffer with her--is that your ingenuous plan?Tell me, tell me, damn you!"

Asuka was nearly invisible by this time.The only clearly visible part of her was her eyes, which were filled with an obvious regret.There was no time for going back anymore.

Tears filled Shinji's eyes as he whispered fiercley, "do you remember what you said to me?Do you remember?You said, 'you are so stupid, my baka Shinji!You are so stupid!All those happy times the last few days?The kisses, the words of love?The moments, the dinner?You are so fucking stupid, baka!They were all in your imagination!'

"Answer me, were they?Was it just my imagination?!"

She seemed to gain visibilty as she pressed her hand into his face, trying to comfort him.Then she murmured, "no, no, that's not true.You aren't--you aren't a baka, Shinji.You aren't a baka."

He wanted to ask her more, but she faded into the hole of greyness.

He was again surrounded by the darkness as the gleaming light was sucked into the grey hole.

He closed his tired eyes; Asuka had left him again.]

Shinji woke up with Asuka stirring in his arms.He held her tightly to him, brushing a sweet kiss on her nose.Despite the terrible feeling he had about the dream, he felt more peaceful than fearful.He was even able to smile at Asuka when she opened her eyes. He pushed aside her silky hair to get a better glimpse of her face and to erase the image of the sicken Asuka from his mind.

"Good morning," murmured Asuka after she yawned.

"Good morning, Asuka."

She studied him briefly."You look much better than you have in a week.No more nightmares?"

Shinji smiled brightly and shook his head.

"That's good," she replied for the lack of anything better to say.

Shinji was about to say something when Misato stumbled into the room, looking extremely weary from last night's activities."Harmonics tests in an hour!Why can't they give us a schedule for these impromptus?"

Misato grumbled as she made her way out of the room.Both of them heard Misato say in a loud voice across the hall,"Asuka, get up!Harmonics tests in an hour!"

Both of them sweatdropped.Misato was really out of it this morning.

"Care to guess at how many beers she had last night?" Asuka queried lightheartedly as she rested her head back against his pillow.

Shinji shook his head.He really didn't want to know the amount of alcohol that Misato might have consumed.

Pen-pen poked his head into Shinji's room and moved aside to show that he was dragging a tray of scrumptious looking waffles.He shook his head sadly after he saw Misato had started drooling on the table."Wuaghh… wuargh!Wuaagh.WUAG?"[translation: Misato… you need to start taking it easy!I'll make a guess.Maybe 20?]

Asuka and Shinji exchanged a perplexed look at the noise coming from Pen-pen before Asuka finally said, "I guess it's too much to hope that everything would be perfectly normal now that you're not having those awful dreams anymore."

Pen-pen rolled his eyes as he waddled out of the door._Doesn't she know that nothing's ever normal around here?We're talking major events always happenin'!Anyway, I'm glad those two are finally cozying up to each other, it's about time!_

_ _

Shinji had a strange expression on his face as his inner voice chuckled.**_I can just imagine what the pen-guiny dude was thinking… it just kills!_**

**_ _**

"Shinji?"

He turned to look at Asuka.

"I'm not hungry, but--I'm bored.Want to kiss?"

A grin cracked Shinji's peculiar expression.

Nothing would make him happier.

**Author's Note**:If you'd like me to reply to your reviews, just say so in the review.Bye!(*sweatdrops* anybody know php?)

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	15. Synchronization // Harmonization

Title: **I Love You, Asuka (14)**

Author:Yih

Written: March 2001

Edit Major:Worldmage

Dedication:To the following Reviewers- ness_vs_paula, PsychoJoe, Peter Jenkins, Kaworu, Ensign Zeke, Mutronborg, Shinigami 2.0, Rinoa, purplecow, NET, sarevock, Anne O. Nimus, sky mage, Kyo Tetsuei, eric101, Me Myself and I, TorankusuGohan, catch22, Orgunz, Jonathan, Gary Milburn, Justin_Asselstine, Rhine, and Epyson Zero!

**Thanks, keep reviewing please!**

Disclaimer:All rights are Gainax except ACC- Shinj's IV.

Part 14: Synchronization // Harmonization

"What are you two doing??" asked Misato as she walked into Shinji's room."I thought I told you guys that we need to be at Nerv in an hour; do you know how long it takes to get there with traffic?Is anybody listening to me?"

Shinji and Asuka were too absorbed in the task at hand--kissing.Shinji vaguely heard Misato's voice in the background, except when he started to move away from Asuka--seeking to end the kiss… Asuka pulled him back, capturing his lips and his attentions in a sensual kiss.Shinji was perfectly content to go along with this idea, forgetting the noise he heard outside his sphere of awareness and concentration.

"Shinji!Asuka!Do you guys hear me?" asked Misato, her voice rising an octave.

Shinji was lost in the physical sensations of Asuka's warm, soft lips.And Asuka--Asuka was enjoying the moment just as much as Shinji.They pulled away for a second to catch their breath.They resumed kissing, their tongues' moving to taste the other's tongue.Misato watched for about two minutes before she decided enough was enough.

She found out that the idea of trying to separate them long enough to get into the car was harder than she thought it would be.She tried pulling at Shinji, but she found that Asuka's hold on him just tightened.When she tried to pull on Asuka, she was slapped hard by Asuka's free hand.She would have been greatly amused by Asuka's actions if she hadn't been so preoccupied with the fact that they needed to get to Nerv.

She rolled her eyes and decided that she would have to resort to yelling."SHINJI!!! ASUKA!!! Can you stop sucking each other's faces and exchanging saliva long enough to get into the car?"

Shinji and Asuka broke the embrace with a deep sigh of mutual regret.

Asuka was the first to focus her attention on Misato, she asked, "what, Misato-san?"

Misato thought that she should have resorted to screaming thirty minutes earlier if she had known that it would going to work so well.But she admitted privately that she had hated to separate the two when they were getting so lovingly tender with each other.She would have thought that Shinji and Asuka would ever make a couple like the couple they seemed to be now.She could clearly see that Shinji was deeply enamored byAsuka, especially from the way he was still staring at Asuka with loving eyes.

"Can I leave you two alone to get dressed and not come back to find you two in another makeout session?" inquired Misato, her eyes twinkling with amusement now that she had the duo's attentions.

Asuka nodded reluctantly.

"Don't look so sad, Asuka.We still have the drive to Nerv."

Asuka glowered until Misato left the room.She turned to Shinji and asked, "do you like strawberry or cherry lip gloss more?"

"Strawberry."

"Good," Asuka replied with a grin."That's my favorite flavor."

"Misato!" cried out Ritsuko with annoyance."Where have you been?"She pointed to her watch."Do you know that you're a half hour late?Look at Rei," gesturing to the blue-haired pilot."She has been patiently waiting for you to show up with Asuka and Shinji!Wuld you like to explain to me why you are even later than usual?"

"Traffic," muttered Misato in response.

"Did you have another hang over?" inquired Ritsuko, ignoring Misato's absurb answer.

"Would you believe me if I really said it was traffic?"

Ritsuko shook her head and burst out laughing."No, never!You… traffic… That's a good try, Misato!If I didn't know you as well as I do, I might believe you.But half the time you drive like a madwoman in a rage.Besides, traffic wouldn't stop you if you needed to get somewhere.People would avoid you if they could the way you drive 99% of the time.

"So, are you going to tell me the real reason?"

"I had to separate Shinji and Asuka.That took a while," said Misato with a straight face.

"They were fighting again?" Ritsuko queried sympathetically.

"No," Misato answered, "they were making out."

Ritsuko choked on her coffee."You must be joking!"

Misato shook her head.

"Asuka was probably trying to suffocate Shinji, right?That has to be what you mean.You're trying to pull my leg, Misato!Do you really think I'd believe that Asuka would willingly let Shinji make out with her?"

"No," Misato affirmed, "I meant what I said.They were kiss-ing."

"How long?" asked Ritsuko jokingly.

"I dunno.It took me half an hour to break them apart, so I figure they had been going at it for longer than that," replied Misato.

"You know I still don't believe you…"

Misato shrugged."Well, they're still making out."

"What?"

"I know you have cameras everywhere Ritsuko, check the changing rooms.They were going at it wildly in the car; makes me wish I were younger, you know?"

Ritsuko spit out whatever coffee she had just drunk.She gave Misato a glare before switching on the view of the changing rooms.She was glad she didn't have anymore coffee in her mouth because what she saw would definitely have caused her to either choke or spit the rest out.

"When did this start?They weren't like this last week."

"I don't know.Shinji started acting differently four days ago."

"Oh really, do you know why?"

"We'd better get out there," said Shinji huskily.

"Uh huh, but don't you want to give me a good luck kiss?" Asuka inquired with a mischievious glint in her eyes.

"Yes…"

"Come here then…"

Shinji took a deep breath.He couldn't refust her with that slightly seductive look.And why would he want to refuse?This is what he had wanted since--since... he didn't know.But he didn't concern himself with that thought now.His mind was totally focused on her, Asuka.He wouldn't have it any other way.

He loved her, after all.

"Errr… don't you think we should get them now?" 

"Why bother them?"

"I didn't know you had that side to you, Ritsuko," responded Misato, nudging Ritsuko in the side.

"True, but we're already late.Besides, Rei isn't going anywhere.She doesn't do anything that Ikari-shirei hasn't personally approved, and I looked on her activities list.She doesn't have anything to do today," said Ritsuko."And it's fun watching them, isn't it?"

"…"

"We'll get them in another minute.I'm surprised they haven't progressed further.You know the next stage, Misato."

"Ritsuko, we are talking about children here."

"True."

"Ritsuko?"Misato pointed to Ritsuko's watch, reminding her that a minute had gone by.

"You may fetch them.And I'll observe them from here, to make sure they don't do anything inappropriate."

Misato rolled her eyes.She had just seen a side of Ritsuko she had never thought existed.

Misato had never seen Shinji or Asuka in such a deliciously good mood.She smiled as she noticed that Asuka had never been so pleasant to be around as she was today.Ritsuko raised an eyebrow when she heard the soft steps of a happy Misato.

"I suppose interrupting them went very well?" she inquired politely.

"Weren't you watching?"

"No, I didn't want to see Asuka rip your throat out."

"You are ever so kind, do you know that?"

"Let's just start the test, shall we?" muttered Ritsuko, ignoring Misato's question.

_Why do we have to be doing this today, _thought Shinji._It couldn't have happened on a worse day.Just my luck.Not that I should be complaining--it's been a great day.I've never felt so close to Asuka before.I don't know if she loves me, but I know that she cares.That's enough for now.I know Asuka well enough to know she'd never be kissing me if she didn't like me a little.But I can't help wishing for more…_

_ _

**_You know you aren't bad at kissing for a beginner, _**Shinji's inner voice admitted grudgingly.

I haven't heard you in a while.

_ _

You mean 'me' because I am you.The reason you have needed me is because you've been doing everything wrong.Don't doubt yourself.Everything will turn out all right in the end, just wait and see…

**_ _**

Shinji relaxed, hearing some words of reassurance, not knowing how much he needed to hear them.But somehow that inner voice of his did--how did he know?

That inner voice of mine really must be some subconscious part of me.Whatever it is, it has given me a confidence I've never known.I guess he has helped me--I mean I have helped me.This is really confusing to think about.But thank you, inner voice.

You're welcome.

**_ _**

I hope Asuka knows how much I need her.

_ _

A familiar ringing sound rang throughout NERV.Shinji snapped out of his thoughts, vaguely aware that Ritsuko and Misato were cussing through the voice channels.He wondered why.His eyes widened as he comprehended what the noise meant--

Then he heard Maya say, "sempai!There's an Angel pattern showing up on the screen!"

"What pattern?!"

"It's--it's…"

**Author's Note**:The next part might take a while since it's kinda hard to write.Everyone tells me I'm not a fighting scene sort of writer so I'll try my best, ja!

P.S. If you'd like me to reply to your reviews, just say so in the review.Bye!(*sweatdrops* anybody know php?)

**Remember**: Reviewing _is_ Doing _the_ Giving _to_ Caring _authors_ Slaving _over_ Working _on_ Writing _fanfics_!


	16. Angel Attack

Title: I Love You, Asuka (15)

Title:  **I Love You, Asuka (15)**

Author:  Yih

Edit Major:  Worldmage

Written: April 2001

Dedication:  Sandrock, Nani The Realms, AngelTears, Lin-Lin, Lime-chan, Kal-el, catch22, Peter jenkins, TorankusuGohan, Gary Milburn, R.K., purplecow, 'Tut Nix Zur Sache, eric101, Mangus, sky mage, Shinigami 2.0, OrgunZ, Rhine, Kyo Tetsuei, Pandora Souris-Cadavre, and Epyon Zero.

Disclaimer:  All rights are Gainax except ACC- Shinji's IV.

I'm so FUCKING frustrated and I don't know what the FUCKING SHIT is wrong with the format.

Part 15: Angel Attack

"It's Arael!" exclaimed Maya with a surprised voice.      
"That can't be right!  It must be a similar Angel," Ritsuko said firmly.  "Check all the instrumental readings again.  You know every Angel that we've encountered has been different so far.  I'd like an accurate report this time, okay?"

"Yes, sempai," responded Maya.

The MAGI were still processing the last bit of its analyzation.  She checked through all the computer data showing on her screen.  She flipped to various opened programs, scanning the available data.  She blinked several times as she read the final report from the computer.

"This Angel's pattern happens to be a perfect match for Arael.  The MAGI have even identified it as 'Arael'.  There's no doubt in the MAGI's mind that it's Arael, sempai," Maya announced.

"That's not possible," Ritsuko said.  "Rei destroyed Arael with the 'Lance of Longius.'  But when?  I remember that it happened, but how do I know this?  I don't even know what other pilot's evangelion was involved.  Who was involved?"

Misato squeezed her eyes shut, trying to think back to that day.  "I don't know either.  I have this day formed in my head, but there is not an actual sense of being there.  It's just--it's--"

"Just knowledge?  Something you just know," murmured Ritsuko in awe.  "But why would we know this?  And do we still have the Lance of Longius then?  Is it possible that we all have a sense of forewarning that this is going to occur?"

"I just checked the data files for weapon holding," said Maya.  "It says that the Lance of Longius was misplaced or rather that it's missing.  That's strange.  Nothing else seems wrong."

"This has to be a joke," grumbled Asuka.  "Why would we get a warning about an Angel attack?  I don't remember 'Arael.'  And whatever it was,  Rei could never have destroyed it alone.  Wondergirl isn't capable of it.  She still has the worst harmonics ratio.  She always has."

"I destroyed it, though," whispered Rei softly.  "I saved you."

"Saved me?  Why would you have to save me?  I wouldn't let you save me!" Asuka cried out.

"I remember that day…"  Shinji's voice trailed off.

I remember that day only too well.  But how can Asuka not remember?  Is it painful that she couldn't remember that Rei had to s--but how do I know this?  When I try to remember why Rei had to save Asuka, it becomes all blurry.  Like it hurts me to remember. I wonder if anyone is feeling as I feel.  Why won't the memories come to me!  Why?!

Becareful, Shinji.  They will come, his inner voice warned him.  

Shinji felt his body stiffening up inside of him, as if something horrible was going to happen.  Yet everything outside of his tensed up body was sweetly calm.  He heard the slight buzzing sound of the MAGI; he saw the thoughtful expressions on the others' faces.  He was aware that the blood was no longer churning to his heart in a peaceful manner, but in a quickening roar that deafened his ears to any other noise.

He knew what he had to do.

"Someone needs to be out there.  Since Rei seems to have been so successful with Arael from our memories, maybe we should send her out," suggested Misato.

"That's a good idea; she did defeat Arael.  We just need to use the Lance of Longius, but for some reason we don't seem to have it.  Although the MAGI have shown we did have the Lance of Longius in our possession five days ago.  It must have been misplaced rather then just missing then," Ritsuko said thoughtfully.  "But still, since Arael has suddenly popped up for a second time, that means we have to stall it while we find the Lance.

"Rei, ready?" 

Rei nodded.

"No!" Shinji yelled.  "I'm going.  I'm the one that has to do this.  I need to do this."

While Misato only seem vaguely amused, Ritsuko was astonished by Shinji's offer to fight the Angel.  Rei's eyes widened slightly, and Maya stopped typing to turn around and make sure that it was really Shinji saying it.  Asuka's expression was etched with worry for Shinji.

"Okay," Ritsuko murmured.  "Then why don't you get into the entry plug?"

"Sure," Shinji answered, throwing her a small smile.  "Asuka?"  He waited for her to look at him.  "I love you."

She stared at him for a long second before turning around and walking away.  Nothing she had done before hurt him as much as that simple movement.  Shinji didn't understand why she would do that.  He thought she would be happy that he was finally not running away from the problems in his life, that he was finally willing to accept his responsibilities to her and to himself.

"It's hard for her, Shinji," Misato said comfortingly, breaking the awkward silence.

Shinji said nothing.  He stared after the retreating silhouette of his beloved.

"She doesn't mean what she's doing.  She's probably all shaken up because she doesn't remember fighting Arael.  And you know how hard failure is for her.  You should know," Misato finished lamely.

"I know."

Ritsuko tapped Shinji on the shoulder.  "You should be going now."

"Yes, I should be going now."

"Good luck," Ritsuko whispered.

"Thanks."

"Shinji?" asked Misato.  "You don't have to do this alone.  I can send Rei out with you."

"No, I'm going to do this by myself," Shinji replied firmly.  "I have to do this.  I think this is my answer."

"Alright," Misato finally responded.  "But be careful, okay?"

"Anything you say, Misato.  Anything you say," Shinji said simply.

Misato gave Shinji the signal to engage in battle.  Shinji was as ready as he'd ever been for an upcoming battle.  He easily moved his Eva into a good launching position right below Arael.  His Eva looked up at the Angel with a terrible red glint in her eyes.  Misato held her breath as she watched her screen.  Then suddenly she knew that something bad was going to happen--something very bad.

She opened her mouth to warn Shinji, but it was too late.  She could only stare, mesmerized by the pysbeam that surrounded the Eva.  Arael had Shinji in its grasp and there was nothing anyone could do.

Misato gasped as she saw Shinji's Eva slowly disappear Arael's body.  She then heard another choking noise and knew that it was Asuka.  She had come back, probably to just watch and see if Shinji would succeed.  But no one had imagined that this would happen.

Misato turned around and saw Asuka behind her.  Asuka's face unbearable to watch as the tears flowed freely down her pale cheeks.  She stood there, just watching for long moments.  Then she finally spoke and said, "he's going to die, isn't he?"

"No, don't think that.  Shinji is tougher than anyone knows," Misato answered comfortingly.  "If anybody will make it through this living nightmare, it's him.  He's got more guts than any one of us.  Asuka, do you hear me?  He's not going to die."

I'm going to die.

_I'm going to die inside this Angel, Shinji thought.  I thought this was the answer to my problems.  But I was wrong--very wrong.  It's only the end of all things.  Is that the solution that you wished me to find, God?  Was Asuka right, was it all just a punishment?  Do the Angels just exist as your weapons against our ultimate destruction?  It must be that… what else could it be?  _

It's an answer.

_What kind of answer is this!?_Shinji wanted to blast his frustration, his pain, his anger, his turmoil, his bitterness, his agony at this creature that was going to kill him.  _Who are you!_  Tell me!  And you can't tell me you're MY inner voice anymore, you aren't him, you aren't me.  You don't even sound all screwed up like he was--like I was!  Who are you!

Me?  I'm Arael.

Don't give me that crap!  It's not true.  An Angel would never talk to me.  Why would it?  I exist to destroy you!  Don't you understand that if you don't kill me I will kill you!  But you probably know that don't you--it's all a game to you.  Don't you understand that THIS isn't what I want in life?

**Yes, I know.  **

HOW?  Explain to me, HOW?

**I've been with you since the beginning.  And I know everything that you yearn for internally.  Things—wishes, really.  I know who you are inside.  I know everything about you.  And I have the answer to all your problems.  **

_What would that be?_Shinji's mind was oozing with pessimism.  __

You should accept that what you want will never be.

_NO!  I won't accept this!  IS this what you did to Asuka last time?  Last time? _Shinji asked himself.  _What last time?_  Why can't I remember anything except for the last few days?  Why do I know Asuka has been in this situation, but I can't remember the details of how she was here?  

Because you don't wish to remember.

Why does everyone remember you have appeared except Asuka?  Answer me that! 

Because it was traumatic for her.

What did you do to her, you--you BASTARD! Don't you remember the hospital?  

Why should I remember that?  That was all a dream!  A Stupid Unrealistic Dream!  Asuka would never be in there like that!  She's too strong to ever fail, and I was stupid to think I could defeat you.  Whatever you are doing to me it's what you did to her, right?

Wrong.

Did you plant those dreams in my mind to confuse me?  So that I may have doubts whether or not to kill you because--because you would know I wanted answers?  Is this all a scheme so you can kill me?  Lure poor Shinji to his death?  Answer me!  What do those dreams mean?  I know you know because you planted them in my mind!  You made me dream those!  It's not coincidence that you appeared only a few days after those dreams began,, so tell me what do they mean!  Where they only a plan to deceive me and make me confused so it would be easier to break me down?

No, I didn't do anything.  It was you.

**_ _**

"SHINJI!!!" screamed Misato.  "Get out of there!  Something is showing up on the monitor behind Arael, get away from there!  It looks like a vortex.  Do you understand me?  GET AWAY RIGHT NOW!   SHINJI?!!?  Do you hear me?  GET OUT OF THERE!!!"

Ritsuko's hands were shaking as Maya asked, "sempai, what should we do?"

"We cannot do anything."

"SHINJI!!!" warned Misato.

Asuka knelt down next to Misato and put her head into Misato's lap.  Tears streamed down her face, forming small streams that trickled down the planes of her face onto Misato's legs.  Misato stopped yelling to gaze down at Asuka with pained eyes.  She held Asuka tightly to her as the young girl wept silently.

"It will be okay Asuka.  He'll be--be--okay," choked out Misato.

Asuka lifted up her face and stared at the place on the screen that Eva-01 had just been before disappearing totally with Arael into an unknown realm.  She slowly stood up and walked a few steps closer to the monitor--her last glimpse of Shinji.

"I love you, Ikari Shinji."

Author's Note:

"In My Letter"  4-19-2001

in my letter to the world,

i will try to find my mold.

while the sun will not set,

and love—i've never met.

in the madness that is me,

there is a steady peace.

so the moon is hardly full,

or men—having only to be cruel.

in the horror that is me,

an inner beauty is what i see.

someone is calling—He is Shouting.

my letter is falling—to a ground that isn't Cracking!


	17. The Angry and the Sick

Title: I Love You, Asuka (16)

Title:**I Love You, Asuka (16)**

Author:Yih

Written:May 2001

Dedication:To catch22 (I'd suggest emailing him if you don't understand what is going on)

Disclaimer:All rights are Gainax.

**REVIEW!!! **Next part will hopefully be posted in 2 weeks!

Part 16: The Angry and the Sick

"He is here," exclaimed a sharp voice, Asuka's familiar voice.He had heard it often before: screaming, cursing, and commanding him.

"Are you okay, Shinji?" asked a softer, kinder voice--though it was still Asuka's.This was a tone that had never found his eardrums before.He was almost not sure if it was really Asuka.But his intuition pointed the voice to be hers, even though it sounded unlike her.

He tried to open his eyes, but it distressed them to do so in the vibrant light.It took him several patient minutes of trying to adjust his eyes before he could force them to open.He finally managed to focus his eyes to look at the face of his beloved.He reached to touch her; however, his hand fell short of actually touching her.She took his hand and rested it against her cheek, instead.It was then that he saw the other Asuka several feet away from the pale Asuka who held his hand.

"Who are you?" he asked hoarsely.

"I am Asuka; she is Asuka," answered the pale Asuka.

"She would like to believe she is me," muttered the bright Asuka."But if you can't see, we are as different as we can be."

"Which is the real one?" 

"We are both real," replied the pale Asuka.

"I am the real one.She is too weak to be me," retorted the bright Asuka."She wants to be me though.Who doesn't?"

"Is this a dream then?"

"You could say that, my Shinji.You could say that.You are trapped somewhere that isn't reality nor is it fantasy," the pale one said kindly.

"Why am I here?"

"Because you are a baka," the bright one said tersely."It's all your fault we are here."

His eyes had finally adjusted into the ethereal light, and he saw that there was nothing underneath him, over him, or around him.Instead it was just light and nothingness.He focus his gaze to study the two Asuka's that stood before him.The bright one was beautiful, radiant, and confident.He knew her well.He had seen her before in the first dream that Asuka had appeared in.Then she had been enraged at him for some reason; he had recognized her as Asuka because she was the Asuka he had always seen.That was the Asuka he knew so well.But the pale one looked like Asuka to a degree, but seemed weaker than what he had perceived Asuka to be.She seemed to fragile to be the Asuka he knew.He withdrew his hand from the pale one's grasp, and squeezed her hand reassuringly.He shakily stood up as she watched him with careful eyes.

"He's not a baka," the pale one murmured.

"You would think so!" screamed the bright one."You have awful tastes!"

"You know you feel the same as I do."

"I do not!He means nothing to me!He's just there!He means nothing to me!"

"You said, 'he means nothing to me' twice.You're trying to convince yourself, but it isn't working.We both know he means something to us."

"I don't want him!He's so weak and pathetic!He needs me, but I don't want him!He's nothing more than a boy that is infatuated by my beauty!But he doesn't seem to realize how much I hate him!" cried out the bright one with passion in her voice."He thinks that 'baka' is an endearment!If that isn't stupidity and obsession, what is?I don't need him; I don't want him!I just want him to leave me alone!He doesn't mean anything to me!"

"We both know we've been denying what he means to us.Both of us for different reasons."

"I am not denying anything!I hate him!He's the cause of all my problems and my failures!If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't feel as I do now!I'm helpless here, trapped here because--because of him!"

"You know it was because of us."

"What did I do?" he asked.

The bright one shot him a look that could have burned the ground beneath his feet if there had been anything to set aflame."You were the one that caused my violent emotions! You were the sole reason I fell into such a state of failure!It was all your fault!And you're asking me, 'what did I do?'You ruined my life, Shinji!You destroyed everything that had meaning in my life!"

"She doesn't mean it," the pale one added."We put to much emphasis on things that weren't really all that meaningful.We ignored the thing that was."She gave him a telling look before turning away.

"I meant every word I said.He ruined my life!" the bright one screamed.

"I'll admit he was part of it," the pale one finally said.

"You see!Even she agrees with me!"

"What did I do?" he repeated.

The bright one had burning eyes aim at him menacingly.The pale one answered, "you started getting higher synch ratios than us."

I still remember the look on Asuka's face the first time Ritsuko informed us that my ratio was higher than Asuka's.She smirked at me and told me that it must have been a fluke, and that I caught her on a bad day.But when it started to get… consistent, she began to become erratic.So was I really the cause of all this?Was it my fault that she's--she's in the hospital?

Hospital!What hospital?Why does it hurt to think of that word… I had a dream that Asuka was in the hospital, it seems almost real.Why can't I distinguish my dreams from reality?Why don't I know?It hurts to think back more than five days ago.It must have started then, that's why it's so painful to think farther than that.What happened five days ago?

"He's remembering," the pale one commented.

"It's about time he understood what he did to me," the bright one replied curtly.

"Why does the hospital part of the dream keep coming back to me?" he inquired.

The bright one's eyes widen with disbelief, and it wasn't long before she snickered at him.That scornful laugh turn into a full blast of amusement as tears began to stream down her face at whatever was funny that he had just spoken.He was beyond confused at that point.He didn't know what was so hilarious, but he'd like to find out why.He sent a questioning look at the pale one, who was sighing with disappointment.

"You really don't know?" the pale one asked.

"No," he said miserably.

"Try to remember."

"It hurts to remember."

"Everything that is filled with sadness causes pain when the person remembers," she murmured kindly.

"You're too nice to be Asuka," he commented.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" cried out the bright one."She's not me!"

The pale one glared at the bright one before moving all of her attentions to Shinji."I know it's hard," she responded."But if you remember, everything will be all right in the end.Trust me."

He wanted to trust her.But if even trying to remember was this painful, what happened when he actually remembered everything?Would it be more than he could bear?He shuddered at the thought.He let her soothing voice calm his nerves, and he listened to exactly what she told him to do.Closing his eyes tightly, he struggled to remember what had happened before five days ago.__

Asuka's fighting Arael, and--and she's losing! 

_His heart was in his throat as he saw Asuka tried to get away from Arael but couldn't.He didn't know how much he loved her until he saw Rei free Asuka with the Lance of Longius.He knew then what his feelings for her truly were.Now, all he had to do was try to confess them to her.He knew it wasn't going to be easy.Nothing ever was in the regards to the second children._

_When she came out from the Arael attack… she wasn't the Asuka Shinji knew so well and loved.She was broken and defeated--and he still loved her.He just didn't know how to confront her.So he stayed in the background and watched the problem worsen.It wasn't long before she ran away to her best friend, Hikari, and he barely saw her.But he never stopped missing her or loving her._

_He didn't exactly know why, but somehow Misato had shielded when from the information of how Asuka had managed to run away and commit suicide.She fell just short of the deed.Now, she laid comatose in the best hospital there was--NERV's.She laid in the hospital--comatose.She was in the hospital, dying; and he was here, nowhere.He needed to get to her; he needed to tell her how he felt._

He remembered the moment only too well.He saw himself in the room so clearly as if it were yesterday.He felt like he was still in the room where he had watched the line on the heart monitor stop zig-zagging to a straight line of eternity.He could still hear the noise of the shuffling feet of the doctors and nurses entering the room, shoving him out before he could summon up the courage to tell Asuka how he truly felt.It was the moment he regretted the most in his life.

_The car ride home had seemed to take hours, and Misato's reassuring had only made the realization that Asuka was going to die even more real.His mind closed on the feverish chant, "she might be dead.She might be dead.She might be dead.And I never got to tell her… I love her.I love her.I admit it.I don't only like her.I don't only think she's beautiful.I love her.Only her. For always."_

Tears streamed down his face as he remembered that last coherent thought that he felt a pain quite like he had never felt before descend upon him with the fury of Nemesis.He knew he had tried to deny reality, and there was no way to do so.It would eventually come out, and now that it had finally been released, he felt worse than he ever had before.It was worse than any of Asuka's rejections, even combined.He'd rather have her alive, hating him than dead, loving him.__

"He remembers," the bright one bitterly muttered."He looks so heartbroken; and I'm the one in the hospital.He hasn't been through half the pain I've been through!"

"I know I haven't experience your pain.I'm still sorry," Shinji said as soon as he was able to find his voice."I'm so sorry."

"There he goes with his apologizing, again!If there's one thing that really irritates me is you groveling at my feet like a stupid dog!" she shouted.

"I'm sorry," he responded for the lack of something better.

"Bye, Shinji," said the pale one sadly.

_Bye?_He thought disappointedly_.I want to know her.Maybe then I would understand her as well as she understands me.Its like she knows me better than I know myself.She knows what I need.She doesn't act very much like the Asuka I knew.She seems unsure of herself, kind of like me.It's strange that someone that looks like Asuka would act like me.One thing that reminds me about Asuka is that she seems weak, but not yet defeated.Sad, yet not overwhelmed by it… if only she was Asuka.But no matter what, I know I love her.I even love the volatile Asuka._

"I don't want to leave you," he cried out desperately.

"You have no choice," she told him.

"I love you."

She smiled then; and it was a smile that he would never forget.

**Author's Note:**If anything, I'd suggest going back and rereading the story from the very beginning.Everything means something and if anything… this story is packed with tiny details that become very important in the end.If you can't tell all that "has" happened the last 5 days is really a "dream sequence" and Shinji's "dreams" were reality and his "dreams within dreams" was his conscious trying to fight its way back to reality.The two Asukas are symbols, if you can crack it you'll bring a smile on my face.If not all will be revealed when I release a "cheat sheet" of symbolism and foreshadowing when I finished ILYA.Never thought this story would turn out something so sinisterly English-like right?I can even explain why I suddenly went extremely OOC, but I'd rather have you read the whole thing and TRY TO THINK, this story isn't about enjoying it, it's about "provoking thought."If you want a sit down good read, wait for the tantalizing "Indecision" which I'm currently working, who knows?It could be just as complex as ILYA (though this one is based on "in schoolness")

As Touji declared (which is a very important statement):"Not in this Universe."(ALL the way back in Chapter 7!!!)


	18. Comatose No More

Title: I Love You, Asuka (17)

Title:**I Love You, Asuka (17)**

Author:Yih

Written:August 26, 2001

Dedication:To all my reviewers, thank you.

Disclaimer:All rights are Gainax.

_Visit my website at [http://a-dreamer.fws1.com][1] _

Part 17: Comatose No More

There was just the prevailing nothingness now.

He struggled through it to find his way out of this new oblivion.He didn't belong here anymore.He had found his answers.It was time for the reckoning to arrive.He crawled; and he ran.There seemed no way out.When he finally stumbled on the lightless where it ran to darkness, he thought this was the end, but it was merely the beginning.Nothing was easy now that reality had set into his mind.

All he had seen, all he had experienced was nothing.He wished to creep back into that dream once more, even for a second.But he couldn't return for he knew it wasn't real, and once that knowledge was form the doorway had closed.There was no returning.That didn't stop him from wanting to roll up in a ball and cry, letting the tears just overtake his soul.

It wasn't hard for him to feel pity for himself.He had felt it often before.Now, it just seemed natural in this otherworldly darkness.

Yet, it was wrong this want of self-absorption.The hollowness, the emotionless, the coldness of this dimension ached more poignantly the longer he stayed.It was time to leave and find Asuka.To trudge back into the reality that he had never confessed his love to her.To face the awful certainty that she might already be dead.He no longer welcomed this alternative.

"I want to go back!" he screamed, his words swallowed up by the emptiness.

"I want to be with her!" 

"I want to say, 'I love you, Asuka,' just once before it's too late…"

The tears came this time like the gushing of a squashed grape.It wasn't a pretty thing; it wasn't a glorious sight.It was disgusting; it was revolting.The sadnesses of a human being not always quite so lovely to the eyes of the unknowing.It wasn't suppose to be beautiful because pain was pain.It festered as time grew on unless a solution was found.A reconciliation was made.An offering of kindness or love.

"I don't want to be too late," he cried to himself on bent knees as he poured out his soul in the bitter shedding of aching tears."I don't want to be too late."

And finally, the light began to vanquish the darkness.It was as another door had opened for him.But it didn't get closer.It stayed where it was, far far away.It didn't need to beckon to Shinji, it was there if he wished to take it.It was no easy route; it was no easy task.There would be pain; there would be torture.For that was the way of all God's living creatures.To live was to experience hurt, there was no other way.

He tried.He just couldn't get to his feet, his will had dissolved with the hopelessness.For all he knew, he was too late.Too late, too late, those words haunted his mind.The gravity of it sinking into his mind causing him to slip further into the well known territory of wallowing sorrow.Just when everything seemed to be against him, he thought of the one thing that would always give him further strength.

Asuka.

"She needs me, but I'm so weak," he whispered so softly the words didn't even reach his own ears.

I want to stay in a dreamworld, while she's dying in the real world.And I love this dream more than I love real life.Is it because here she actually feels something for me?That I probably forced her to feel with my imagination?God, I just don't want to try anymore.But for her, I'll do it.I have to let her know how I feel about her before it's too late, and she's gone forever.I don't even want to think about not having her in my life.

_Even if she nags me, even if she torments me… I'll love her from afar if I have to.I'll do anything and everything if you just let me get to her in time.I want to kneel by her side and confess everything that I've felt for her.I hope it's not too late.I hope I can reach her.I want that more than anything.If it's not too late… if it's not too late… _

I'll tell her I love her.

He knew he loved her.Not just love her in a boyishly dreamy, crushy way, but in a way that would out last death.But how to get there and back to here before it was too late was the problem.He struggled to his feet and he ran as fast as his legs could carry him to that white light, that last hope.He would get there; he would make it.There was no other alternative available to his mindframe.

He didn't know how long he ran or how fast he was going, he just went for as long as he could which seemed like forever.The light didn't seem to get any closer, but he wouldn't give up.He promised himself he would get to her no matter what.No pain was too great, no hardship was too much.There was always a time to quit, but this wasn't one of them.

The feeling in his legs burned, his calves ached.He could no longer feel anything but the heaviness of those tired limbs.His head bent down, all his energies going to his struggle to get to Asuka before it was too late.His arms felt like they had iron balls attached to each wrist, as if he were an escaped criminal seeking the only way out of this hell.

Hell, yes it was hell because it prevented him from getting to her.

But he'd get there, he loved her.

She watched his legs, his arms thrash around the hospital bed.She was saddened to see the tears rolling down his flaccid cheeks.The years had been hard on him, but now it was telling on him as she watched his face contort into something not wholly of this world.It was as if he wasn't even here anymore.And maybe that was all for the best.It was better this way if he didn't come back.

But was it really?

How she would miss him!She had grown use to having him around, even if it did kill her lifestyle a bit when they have both moved in.She touched his shoulder and his mouth opened as if to form a word.But no sound came out, the muscles were struggling to emit something out of this world.What was he trying to say?Was it for her or someone else?Someone right next to him?

Even with all her powers as part of NERV, she wouldn't have been able to secure a place for Shinji in Asuka's room.Actually, they shouldn'te ven be in the same room for Asuka's condition was much more critical than Shinji's.But because of their status and the pleading that Misato had to do, they were here together.Were they together in that secret world of theirs?

Was it really better just to leave them both here in this seclusion?

They were finally together as Misato always thought they should be.Never had they looked more at peace than when they were together in this room.Both of their faces so serene, so achingly happy.But it was disrupted now by Shinji's flailing arms, if she didn't stop him the nurses were going to come in and possibly remove him from the room.And disrupt the peacefulness, the sereneness that had prevailed in the room.

"Shinji!Shinji!" cried out Misato as she sought to hold his arms down, trying anything to make him hear the reasoning in her voice."Please, if you get too disruptive they'll remove you from this room."

But the words seem to pass over him.He just struggled harder despite the fact he was weak from only being given food through the tubes.She wondered how he seemed to get his unnatural strength, something was driving him, something was causing him to go beserk.What was it?What was driving him?It was then that the lethargy in the hours she had spent by both of their sides caught up to her and all she could do was fall back into her chair by Shinji's bed.

His limbs were not moving so wildly now.The weariness seemed to transmit from her body into him.His struggles ceased and his eyes opened.It was a miracle, or was it?The first words from his mouth were simply haunting, "God, she's dead, isn't she?"

It was so surprising Misato just covered her mouth and tears sprang up from her eyes.It was too much for her.It took her moments before she managed to come to her senses and denied it but Shinji turned to the side and saw Asuka lying there as if nothing had changed.Before she could stop him, he was out of his bed, the IV nearly coming undone as he croached by her side.

The scene was out of a fairy tale as he reached for her hand.But it wasn't a fairy tale, it was real life.The nurses had observed Shinji's thrashing and his sudden arousal from the dead and they had quickly erupted into the room like before.The nurses surrounded him and the look on his face as they gave him a tranquilizer was of utter desperation as he fought the effects of the drug.

"No, no, no."

Pure pain was in his voice as he collapsed into the nurses' open arms ready for his legs to give away from under him.He couldn't force the words of love out of his suddenly drowsy mindframe, he was lost in another world of nothingness.And this was where he was to stay as the nurses called the doctor in to check all his vital signs as they removed him to another room for all the tests to be done.

"No, she's not dead, Shinji.Not yet," Misato whispered only a few minutes too late.

**Author's Note:** Yeah, this part was sitting in my notebook for a month or so.I've got one or two more parts, maybe three.I have no idea, who cares?Everything good must come to an end, maybe this will be the end?And everything that sucks has no end.Thank you for reading.

   [1]: http://a-dreamer.fws1.com/



	19. Standing Still

Title: **I Love You, Asuka (18)**

Author:  Yih

Written: December 2001; January 2002

Dedication:  I couldn't do it without all my wonderful reviewers.  Thanks a bunch!

Disclaimer:  All rights are Gainax.  

Visit my website at http://www.seiki.f2s.com  and check out another Shinji x Asuka (oneshot) called So I Love You Now.  

Do you want me 

_Like I want you_

_Or am I standing still_

_Beneath a darkened sky_

_With the scenery flying by_

_Out of the corner of my eye_

_Was that you passing me by_

From "Standing Still" (Jewel)

Chapter 18: Standing Still

Are you here, Asuka?  Were we ever together?  I miss you.  I miss you.  I can't live without you.  I tried and I can't deal with it.  Have you been watching from above?  Have you been seeing my pain in my dream?  Don't you know how important you are to me?  I can't live like this—lonely all the time.  Where have you been when I've needed you the most?  Can't you borrow my strength?  I'd give it to you.  

You were never alone, Asuka.  How could you do this to me?  How could you abandon me?  How could you?  How could you leave me alone?  Why else did I put up with your mean retorts, your angry words?  I'm not that spineless.  It was because I thought it made you happy, I thought you needed to boss someone around—to dominate.  Was I wrong?  By giving in, I gave you up?

_Tell me, can you hear?  I was too late, wasn't I?  You're gone; you're gone, and it's killing me inside.  Was this what you wanted?  The kiss we shared… was it all planned torture for me?  Answer me, dammit.  I know you can hear.  The dream was too real, the feel of you was too warm for it to merely just be me… I know that you're gone… you're gone you're dead you're dead you're lost to me now.  You're gone you're dead you're lost to me now.  I hate this desperation inside.  _

_You drive me insane, Asuka.  But I don't want to face the reality without you.  I can't face it anymore.  All the suffering, all the torment, all the cruelty… I can't do it without you by my side.  You were the one thing that was holding me together throughout all the hardships, the troubles, and the misery.  Now that you're not here anymore, I don't have the will power to go on…_

_Unless I forget what I've felt for you since… you moved my heart.  _

_I don't know when it happened.  How could I ever love something—someone so loud, so rude, so arrogant?  But somehow I do—and all your faults seem beautiful to me now, like rays of precious sunlight in the growing darkness that's taking over my heart.  You were the one thing that gave me a piece of happiness and a contented peace.  If anything, I should have loved Re and I do—just not in the same way.  _

_Why did I have to love you?  Why did I have to love the one person that wasn't capable of loving me back?  Why am I such the baka, you said I was?  Baka.  Baka Shinji.  I'm that many times over, as many times as you've said that word, I'm that and that again.  I never should have believed that you and I were even a possibility.  It was all hopeless wasn't it?  From the very beginning…_

_When I first started liking you, I knew that it wasn't the wisest thing to do but I let the feelings grow and that was pure foolishness.  _

_Shinji._

_Asuka?_

_Shinji…_

_Is that you Asuka?  Tell me please, did you ever love me just a little?_

I'm tired. 

_Asuka!  Answer me Asuka!  Answer me!_

_…_

_I must be hallucinating again.  I must be thinking too hard and dreaming too uneasily.  I feel so tired too.  Maybe that was what was calling to me… my subconscious is trying to ask me to rest.  Yes, that must be it.  I'm so tired.  I'm so weary.  I should rest and forget that unbearable pain.  Then maybe I can live with myself a little easier.  Yes, yes, I can live with myself a little easier if I just let sleep overtake me and draw me into it's calm, unconscious world.  Yes, take me; yes, take me.  _

_Then maybe I can forget about my misery for a little while and rest… yes Asuka was right, this is tiring.  I can't do this.  Why not sleep forever and give up?  The reality has nothing meaningful to me anymore.  Asuka's dying… dead  now… And I've given up, so sleep take me… take me… far from this aching torment… this unbearable agony. _

"Shinji?" Misato whispered his name softly.  "Shinji, you have to wake up.  Asuka doesn't have much time anymore.  I don't know how she's hanged on, but she's survived for this long… the least you could do is see her one more time.  There's so much that you haven't said to her, even though she may not hear you—she might hear you.  There's always the chance… the chance that your voice can bring her back.

"We've tried everything," she murmured, stroking his hair.  "But nothing's worked.  Won't you come out of this dream of yours?  Help her, help her.  Maybe it will help yourself.  I know you've been under a lot of pain, and I know how important she is to you—but you need to face reality.  Would it be worse to see her die or never even say goodbye?  

"It would be worse to see her die and never say goodbye.  I know that myself, but Shinji you can't just give up.  You're too strong for that; you're the strongest person I've ever known.  It's not Asuka; it's not Kaji; it's you.  Do you hear me Shinji?  Shinji!  Wake up now," she cried out, clutching his hospital gown, "wake up before it's too late.  I know that unconsciousness lets you forget about the pain momentary, but when you wake it's going to much, much worse.  

"Asuka doesn't have much time, but time is negligible.  It is what you make of it.  She might have an hour or even a day, perhaps a year—but you can make the hour feel like eternity as long as you don't yearn for the future and accept the present.  In the space of one hour, you could have memories that seem to stop time as you look back, do you want to miss out on that Shinji?  Shinji!"

You could have memories that seem to stop time as you look back… 

_Asuka?  Asuka?  Where are you Asuka?  I hear your voice calling me.  But it's not time to come back yet, I'm still in pain.  I can't stand to see you die, to say goodbye forever.  I won't ever see you again, will I?  Because I don't believe there is a life after this… and… I'm a coward.  _

_You're too strong for that…_

_What?  Asuka?_

_It would be worse to see her die and never say goodbye…_

_No, no, that's not true!  It would be worse to see her die and say goodbye, that's twisted logic!  No, no, that can't be true.  I don't want to say goodbye.  I don't want to say I've given her up to death.  No, no!  I can't give her up to death… I can't say goodbye, it's too much for me.  I'm not strong; I'm so weak inside that I can't stand to look myself in the mirror everyday.  _

_We've tried everything…_

_Everything?  We haven't… Well, we've kissed; we've argued; we've been friends to the end… or are you talking about your dying on me?  I hate you for that, Asuka.  I hate you for that and if I had had the chance to relive everything again… I wouldn't have ever left you by your side.  I still want to be with you and do all the normal stuff that couples do, like travel together and shop together… just be together.  It's not too much to ask, but it will never come true, will it?  _

_Shinji?_

_Yes, Asuka?  _

_Come back to me Asuka, when I hear your voice, I feel—I feel as if you're going to be by my side forever…_

Shinji's body began to move as he reached out for anything to grab and held Misato close to him, burying his fingers into her dark hair his lips parted as if waiting for something to happen before his body shuddered and… he let go.  "Shinji?" she murmured.  "I know you miss her.  I miss you too.  If I lose you, I don't know what I'll be able to do.  It would be like losing a part of myself.  Do you understand Shinji?  It's not only Asuka that will lose, it's all of us that care for you.  And there are a lot more people than even you believe.

"But you're dreaming of Asuka aren't you?  That's why you grabbed me so tenderly… you love her so you won't let her go.  But sometimes when you love someone that deeply if they're suffering so badly inside, it's better to let them go.  I know Asuka must have been tormented and is still tormented even in sleep, you can see that on her facial expression.  But somehow she hangs onto life, but you're just letting go.  And I know you're stronger than that.  

"If you must let her go, then you truly love her.  Other than that, it's just selfish need."  

When you love someone that deeply if they're suffering so badly inside, it's better to let them go.  

But I can't let you go, Asuka.  I can't.  I can't.  It's not possible.  It's not possible.  If I could, I would have when I first knew I was the fool, the baka you always called me.  But I couldn't then, and I damn well can't now.  It's too hard inside to… to suffer through this reality without you.  I can't do it, don't ask me to.  If I could… If I could, I'd lose a part of myself.  

_It would be like losing a part of myself.  _

_Yes, do you understand, Asuka?_

_I miss you…_

_I miss you, too.  Do you finally understand my feelings for you?_

_…_

_Asuka, don't leave me.  Asuka, I can't let you go.  Asuka, I'd do anything for you.  Asuka, I love you.  I always will.  _

_…_

_I don't mind hallucinating as long as I can continue to hear your voice in my head.  I don't mind being crazy as long as I can hear your voice, your sweet voice.  Then I know I'm not alone.  And I can survive off just that.  _

_I'm tired…_

_You came back… You came back.  And I know, I'm tired too.  _

"Shinji!  Shinji!  Asuka's going now.  She's leaving us, don't you want to say goodbye?  Get out of your dream world, I don't care how pleasant it is or how much you want that fantasy to come true," shouted Misato, "it's not the reality.  It's just your mind making it up.  Asuka's there across the hall, waiting for you.  But she can't wait forever because she is dying.

"Do you hear me, Shinji?  She's dying, but I know she's waiting for you."  

She's dying, but I know she's waiting for you.  

_I can't face the reality though.  Are you the voice in my head, my reasoning?_

_She can't wait forever because she is dying.  _

_Yes, I know that.  _

She's leaving us, don't you want to say goodbye? 

_Yes, but…_

_Asuka's going now.  _

_I know, the pain inside is too much.  _

_Shinji!  Shinji!_

_I know it will be too painful.  I know it will hurt too much.  _

**You could have memories that seem to stop time as you look back…******

When you love someone that deeply if they're suffering so badly inside, it's better to let them go. 

I'm coming, Asuka.  

"Shinji!" cried out Misato with relief.  "You came back."  

"Yes," he whispered weakly.  "Is she dead?"

"No, but she is dying.  Her body isn't taking the trauma of her attempted suicide that well."  

"I see," he murmured.  "May I see her?"

"I've been waiting for you to say that."  

"I'll get a wheel chair for you."

"No, I'd rather walk."

"Okay."

It took Shinji a while to get out of bed and if Misato hadn't remember his IV hook up, he might have ripped every single needle off of his left arm.  But she guided the IV stand behind him right into Asuka's hospital room right across from his one.   He paused at the doorway, then gave a heavy sigh and walked in.  His eyes burned with anguish as he saw Asuka's limp body and her skeleton-like appearance.  

He sat down on the side of her bed and took her hand into his, stroking every knuckle and every vein as if it were a jewel.  

"Asuka?  Can you hear me?"

…

"I know it's been hard for you, everything from your past haunts you, much like it haunts me now.  I think of what could have been and it kills me inside to not have it.  If I had acted differently to you instead of being the baka, the wimp, perhaps I wouldn't have to be here right now.  Maybe we could have been a real couple and gone places, we might even be at the park now instead of here.  But I was a baka, a wimp, a weakling and now there's nothing to do but say goodbye to you."

He place her hand gently down onto of the other and gathered her body close to him, in a tender entwinement of limbs—his arms cradling her body as if she were a newborn infant, gentle and lovingly.  Every once in a while, he reached up momentarily and brush his fingers across her still luscious lips and reminisce of that fateful kiss.  And then he would smile because the memory was so fond.  

Goodbye to you 

_Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

_You were the one I loved_

_The one thing I tried to hold on to****_

But just as quickly the smile would fade and his hold would tighten over her frail body for a second before he loosened his hold and stared down into her closed eyes, remembering how he use to think she was possessed when the rage would burn into her eyes.  Yet, even then he felt something unusual when she use to yell at him, something like love.  

I still get lost in your eyes 

_And it seems that I can't live a day_

_Without you_

_Closing my eyes and you chase my_

_Thoughts away_

_To a place where_

_I am blinded by the light_

_But it's not right_

He leaned down, his lips nearly touching her for one last kiss.  His tongue traced the surface of her mouth and he enjoyed the her sweet taste as he remembered it well.  Dipping his head down, his lips pressed against hers with every aching emotion he felt within his soul, he pushed away all the bad feelings and thoughts aside and kissed her with everything that was good, everything that was love, everything that yearned and burned for her.  

And it hurts to want everything and 

_Nothing at the same time_

_I want what's yours_

_And I want what's mine_

_ I want you_

_But I'm not giving in this time_

"Wake up, Asuka.  Wake up.  Please wake up."  

But this was no fairytale.  

Goodbye to you 

_Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

_You were the one I loved_

_The one thing I tried to hold on to_

_The one thing I tried to hold on to_

"Shinji?" whispered Misato, not wanting to disturb him.  "The doctor is here."  

"Ask him if he can give me another moment."

"Alright."  

He waited until Misato came back with an affirmative nod.  "Ten more minutes."

"Can you leave me alone with Asuka?"

"Of course."  

And when she left the room he carried Asuka's unconscious body to the window.  

And when the stars fall 

_I will lie awake_

_You're my shooting star_

"Everything goes dark when you're not in my world," he murmured into her ear, kissing each closed eye lid.   "You are my sun; you are my love; you are my soul mate.  There was no one, but you I could feel this way for.  I hope you know that Asuka.  I love you, Asuka.  I always will.  I'll let you go if I have to, but I just want to let you know… I'll be waiting for you.  I don't care how long, you could wake a year from now and I would love you all the more.  You might wake up a decade later and all the more I would love you.  Nothing's going to change my love for you.

"Nothing ever could."

"Time's up," the doctor announced as he entered the room.  

Shinji moved back toward Asuka's hospital bed and placed her body down, not before feeling something grasp his hospital gown.  He glanced down and saw Asuka's fist ball up the fabric in her hand.  He caressed her hand before disengaging her fingers gently from his gown.  The doctor and Misato stared on in amazement as he kissed her forehead.  

"I love you, Asuka.  And I'll wait forever to be by your side."  

T H E  E N D 

Song Note: The song featured in the fanfic is by Michelle Branch and it's called "Goodbye to You." 

**Author's Note:** I know Shinji got sappy at the end, but the progression between Misato's voice of reasoning and Shinji's thinking it's Asuka is suppose to develop his understanding and acceptance of his love for her.  Just be glad I didn't decide to split this chapter into two parts, which I could have, leaving you at a major cliffhanger, but I decided not too because it might take me another 4 months to get out that last little section.  The reason Asuka got so OOC at the end of the dream was b/c the real Asuka's body was not responding well to medical treatment.  And the "I'm tired" statement did come from Asuka, somehow yes Asuka was in Shinji's dream as hinted by her thoughts, but you notice they disappear later…?  I may do a sequel, don't hold your breath.  It's as sweet of an ending as is possible for this fanfic.  


End file.
